February 11, 2011

 

Pushing Back The Frontiers Of The National Socialist Workers Party…………………….

 

President Obama hosted Republican leaders for lunch at the White House. Obama had to do without salt, bread, pepper, and butter, but not for health reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

 

Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?

 

Hillary Clinton urged Egypt's street protesters to remain calm Monday and she told the Egyptian Army to use restraint. Rioting and burning and looting followed. Nothing calms down a million observant Muslims like a Methodist woman telling them what to do

 

Over the past eight years, the Clintons have donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, 'She's a really good dancer.'"

 

CNN’s Anderson Cooper was punched in the head in Egypt. We have to take Anderson’s word since it was on CNN, so no one saw it.

 

Protesters in Egypt are telling their government to “accept the realities of the modern age we live in.” Then they were attacked by guys on camels with whips.


Marvelous Mary’s Meticulous Merriment………………..

 

The Patron Saint of E-mail is St. Francis of a CC.

 

I hung my Swiss Army knife from the strap of my smart phone. Now there is nothing in the universe I can't do.

 

Dear God,

I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

Nancy

 

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

 

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?


Serious Sarah’s Serenic Sayings……………………………

 

February is National Hot Breakfast Month

 

This is International Flirting Week

 

February 13 is. . . Get A Different Name Day  

 

February 13 is. . . Get a Different Name Day

 

February 14 is. . . Ferris Wheel Day

 

February 14 is. . . National Have a Heart Day

 

February 14 is. . . Romance & Remembrance Day [Do you remember romance?]

 

February 15 is. . . National "I Want Butterscotch" Day

 

February 15 is. . . National Gum Drop Day

 

February 15 is. . . National Sea Monkey Day

 

February 16 is. . . National Slap A Cop Day

 

February 16 is. . . Do A Grouch A Favor Day

 

February 17 is. . . Champion Crab Races Day    

 

February 17 is. . . My Way Day

 

February 18 is. . . National Virginia Ham Day   [just for Debbie]

 

February 19 is. . . National Chocolate Mint Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………………….

 

WHY? "Chickens Banned from Crossing Road" -  Maroochydore (Queensland, Australia) Sunshine Coast Daily headline

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Rendell: People Are Starting to Think of Obama as a Leader" - video title, RealClearPolitics.com

 

Foreign Minister Sharif al-Dupnik: "Egyptian Foreign Ministry Says Obama Inciting Violence" - FoxNews.com

 

Breaking News From Exodus: "Sharing Tales of an Exodus From Egypt" - CNN.com

 

More Words Doesn't Add Up to No Better Grammar Neither: "Washington Health Policy Week in Review Study: More Docs Doesn't Add Up to Happier Patients" - Commonwealth Fund press release

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Maddow Blames Beck and Other Conservatives for Her Getting Duped by Satirical Website" - NewsBusters.org

 

A New Record Story of the Day: "Gore: Global Warming Causing Record Cold, Snow" --NewsMax.com


Headlines Kerry Oki Would Like to See………………………..

 

Egypt Unveils New Tourism Slogan: "Still Safer Than Mexico!"

 

Muslim Brotherhood Re-Brands Itself "MoBro" in Ploy for Western Support

 

Charlie Sheen "Personalized" Rehab Regime Allows Booze, Hookers

 

Chick-fil-A Orders All Breasts Covered With Napkins

 

Microsoft Bing Accidentally Steals Google Logo Design


Particular Paul’s Perilous Puns……………………….

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

       

I went to see a doctor about my bad back, but all he did was whip me and make me build pyramids. I swear that's the last time I'm going to a Cairopractor

 

I went to the farm stand and they were having a sale on watermelons. I wanted grapes. The clerk said, "Try again tomorrow." I did, but the special that day was on peaches. The clerk said, "Try again tomorrow." I did. The special was on apples. By now I was feeling very dispirited. The clerk said, "When you're down and out, Lift up your head and shout, 'There's gonna be a grape day.


Baltimore Betty sez your from Absurdia if……………..

 

You know where to get the best crabs, crab cakes, and crab soup.

 

You eat snowballs, not throw them.

 

Cal Ripken was your childhood hero.

 

You're considered a Southerner when visiting New England, and You're a Yankee when visiting the South.

 

Distance is measured in minutes.


Dangerous David’s Delicious Excuses……………….

 

I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

 

I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

 

There's a disturbance in the Force.

 

I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

 

I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.


BillGoat’s Bilious Blatherings…………

 

The batteries were given out free of charge.

 

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

 

A will is a dead giveaway.

 

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


Horrendous Harry’s Hundred Greatest Hoaxes…………………..

 

#28: Wisconsin State Capitol Collapses.   1933: The Madison Capital-Times solemnly announced that the Wisconsin state capitol building lay in ruins following a series of mysterious explosions. The explosions were attributed to "large quantities of gas, generated through many weeks of verbose debate in the Senate and Assembly chambers." Accompanying the article was a picture showing the capitol building collapsing. Many readers were fooled—and outraged. One reader wrote in declaring the hoax "was not only tactless and void of humor, but also a hideous jest." Nevertheless, in 1985 The Science Digest named this as one of the best hoaxes ever.


Simply Suzie’s Simple Stutterings……………

 

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

 

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

 

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the floor.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

 

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

 

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

 

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

 

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………….

 

Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble; it is a "steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life.

 

Do you know why a car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on. 

 

Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write. 

 

All things in life are temporary.  If going well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong don't worry, they can't last long either. 

 

Old friends are like Gold! New friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of Gold! 


That’s it for this week in Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where a dead cop has been signing the tickets for the city’s speed camera traps for almost a year!  And, something the Temple Monkeys in the press won’t tell you! The Heller Decision in 2008 allowed the citizens of Washington DC to buy hand guns.  Crime immediately dropped over 30% and has stayed low.  And not one person with a legally registered gun has had a problem with the police.


But, on the other hand……………………….

 

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.


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