February 18, 2011

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party……………

The difference between (R) and (D).  Christophe Lee (R) made a fool of himself on email.   The scandal broke at 2:00 and by 6:30, Lee was out of Congress.   How about Charlie Rangle, Bill Clinton, etc.?

Non Compos Mentis: "The term Muslim Brotherhood is an umbrella term for a variety of movements. In the case of Egypt, it is a largely secular group." - Director of National Intelligence James Clapper

The probability that the U.S. will be hit with a weapons of mass destruction attack at some point is 100 percent, Dr. Vahid Majidi, the FBI’s assistant director in charge of the FBI’s Weapons of Mass Destruction Directorate, tells Newsmax.

President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he’s ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, “OK, second most painful choice.”

Hillary Clinton’s U.S. State Department Officials Rushing to Locate Bahrain on Map

Back in the US, Pres. Obama insists that our only interest is in an orderly transition. He, of course, is referring to Keith Olbermann moving from MSNBC to Current TV.


Marvelous Mary’s Meticulous Murmurings……………………………………

First lady Michelle Obama told “Regis & Kelly” she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money.

The NFL and the players’ union have canceled their contract negotiations, which could mean no NFL football for next season. Both sides agreed this is the only way to prevent another Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

The Catholic Church has approved an app that lets people confess their sins through their iPhones. The number one confession? Taking the Lord's name in vain after the iPhone drops your call.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The apostles' carpooled in a Honda. "The Apostles were in one Accord."


Slippery Sarah’s Serenic Sayings…………………………..

February is Bake for Family Fun Month

This is National Nostalgia Week

February 20 is. . . Hoodie Hoo Day    

February 22 is. . . Be Humble Day    

February 23 is. . . International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day

February 23 is. . . Curling is Cool Day

February 24 is. . . National Tortilla Chip Day

February 26 is. . . National Pistachil Day

February 26 is. . . For Pete's Sake Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines……………………\

NO REALLY -- IT WAS AN EMERGENCY! "Arrest Report: Man Called 911 Requesting a Hooker" -  Lexington (N.C.) Dispatch headline

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Never Mind Egypt. What Would We Do Without the UN?" - PajamasMedia.com

Then They'll Annihilate April, and Mutilate May!: "Iranian Leaders Vow to Crush March" - The New York Times

We Blame Global Warming: "Why Do Women Feel Colder Than Men?" - CBSNews.com

Redundant Story of the Day: "Bristol Palin to Release Memoir This Summer" --DailyCaller.com  After all, Obama did the same with even less accomplishments!


Headlines Adam Zapel Would Like To See……………………..

Congressman Christopher Lee Resigns to Spend More Time With His Pecs

New Sports Seating Fiasco Has Dozens Charged Real Money to See L.A. Clippers

Millions of Americans Furious as Egyptian Revolution Pre-Empts Soaps, "Two and a Half Men

Charlie Sheen Enters Rehab at Nevada's Mustang Ranch

Exclusive: Google Executive Freed in Egypt; Rapist Roman Polanski Still on Loose


Pauline’s Pernicious Puns………………………….

A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet. She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so scrawny, instead of a fat pine tree. "It's not a Christmas tree." he said. "It's a cartridge in a bare tree."

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


BillGoat’s Bilious Blatherings…………………..

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


Dirty David’s Delicious Dodges………………………

I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

My crayons all melted together.


Hairy Harry’s 100 Best April Fool’s Hoaxes…………………..

#29: New Zealand Wasp Swarm.   In 1949 Phil Shone, a New Zealand deejay for radio station 1ZB, announced to his listeners that a mile-wide wasp swarm was headed towards Auckland. He urged them to take a variety of steps to protect themselves and their homes from the winged menace. For instance, he suggested that they wear their socks over their trousers when they left for work, and that they leave honey-smeared traps outside their doors. Hundreds of people dutifully heeded his advice, until he finally admitted that it had all been a joke. The New Zealand Broadcasting Service was not amused by Shone's prank. Its director, Professor James Shelley, denounced the hoax on the grounds that it undermined the rules of proper broadcasting. From then on, a memo was sent out each year before April Fool's Day reminding New Zealand radio stations of their obligation to report the truth, and nothing but the truth.


Simply Suzie’s Scurrilous Scatterings……………………………………..

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the floor.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………..

      The economy is so bad that:

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck


Balto Blanche’s You’re from Baltimore if………………….

You know when to avoid the Bay Bridge.

Every one of your parents' childhood memories revolves around a Colts game.

A Berger is not something you grill.

Your Senator's website features a recipe for crabcakes.

You can spot a Baltimore accent immediately.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………….

Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, my child, it's just a bend, not the end! 

When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities. 

A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything  worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision." 

When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES; it takes away today's PEACE.


That’s it for this week from The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan and to prove that this is Absurdistan, read the following.  Howard County’s incorrectly named Ethics Commission cleared the following issue.  County Executive Ken Ulman and Council Chairman Calvin Ball were accused of using their positions to have Diane Wilson fired from her job at the Chamber of Commerce because she was a Republican.  Ulman said ”that he merely reported to a Chamber official that other County Democrats would be reluctant to work with her because of her strong partisan background!”  Ethics Commission? They don’t understand the meaning of the word!


But, on the other hand………………………….

The world is moved not only by the mighty shoves of the heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.


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