March 4, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.

 

Global Warming: a dangerous man-made phenomenon caused by the mixture of recycled Marxist ideas and junk science

 

Bill Clinton and Bush-41 are the new Civility Institute’s honorary chairmen.  Having Clinton associated with a civility institute is like – well – having Clinton associated with an institute that opposes sexual harassment and promotes marital fidelity. And the other idiot is just that, an idiot that produced an idiot son.

 

More civilians were killed last year in Ciudad Juarez, the Mexican city across the border from El Paso, Texas, than were killed in all of Afghanistan

 

Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution.  At least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed.

 

Harry Reid says families tell him they "don't want their children to look out of a school bus and see a brothel." They should see a casino! 


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

It is better to have loved and lost. . . much better.

 

You can’t smoke outdoors in New York City anymore.  If they catch you, it’s a $50 fine — same as murder.

 

The end of mercury thermometers could be near as a switch is being made over to other liquids and digital thermometers. Apparently health officials are trying to keep mercury where it belongs, in the new energy saving light bulbs.

 

The price of gas here was up to $4.50. When I started pumping, it was only $3.85.

 

I'm in my anecdotage


Soulful Sarah’s Strategic Sayings…………………………………

 

March is International Mirth Month

 

This is National Cheerleading Week

 

March 6 is . . National Frozen Food Day

 

March 7 is . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day

 

March 8 is . . Be Nasty Day

 

March 8 is . . Genealogy Day

 

March 8 is . . Uppity Women's Day

 

March 9 is . . Panic Day

 

March 10 is . . Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day

 

March 10 is . . Mario Day

 

March 11 is . . Dream Day

 

March 11 is . . Johnny Appleseed Day

 

March 11 is . . Worship of Tools Day

 

March 12 is . . Armstrong County Anniversary week.   You Pennsyltukians didn’t know that, did you!

 

March 12 is . . Alfred Hitchcock Day 


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

AT LEAST IT WAS A QUIET CRIME: "Man Assaults Brother with Muffler" - Connecticut Post headline

 

Sensitive Gay Troops to Get Combat Training - Now That Would Be News: "Combat Troops to Get Gay Sensitivity Training" - The Washington Times

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "John McCain Ranked Most Conservative Senator in 2010" - CBSNews.com

 

News You Can Use: "How Not to Win Arab Hearts and Minds" - Commentary website

 

Mr. Potato Head Hits the Slopes: "Snow Tuber Injured at Woodbury Ski Area" - Republican-American (Waterbury, CT)

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "What's the Point of Protecting Cornish Pasties?" - Daily Telegraph (London)

 

That Does It, We're Giving Up Cocaine and Air Pollution: "Sex, Cocaine, Air Pollution, Anger, Caffeine and Alcohol Among Top Causes of Heart Attacks: Study" - Daily News (New York)

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "New Report Exonerates Climate Researchers" - Associated Press


Headlines Brooke Trout would like to see……………….

 

U.S. Gas Prices Spike Because They Can

 

US Geek Emergency Rooms Overflow After Plans for Two New "Blade Runner" Films Announced

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 

  

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  

     

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

Speak of the Devil, I was so worried about my receding hairline I made a deal with him. He promised that if I ever go bald, he'd make it grow back. So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude even though I know someday there'll be Hell toupee.

 

Benny was sure that if he had to he could master Braille once he got a feel for it.

 

Paragraph in the guarantee in the manual of a smart phone in small print: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures." In other words "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#31: Migrant Mother Makeover.   2005: Popular Photography ran an article titled "Can these photos be saved?" about how to remove unsightly wrinkles from photographic subjects. They chose, as an example of a photo that "needed to be saved," Dorothea Lange's "Migrant Mother" photo taken in 1936 during the Great Depression. Lange's photo is one of the most widely admired in the world. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to describe it as the Mona Lisa of photographs, and the Migrant Mother's stoic expression is what makes the image great. Nevertheless, the editors of Popular Photography erased her wrinkles, softened her gaze, and removed her kids, transforming her from an iconic symbol of endurance into a smooth-faced, worry-free soccer mom. Their readers were horrified, not realizing the article was a spoof on the way magazines routinely touch-up celebrity images to remove blemishes and wrinkles. Hundreds wrote in expressing outrage at the defacement of such a classic image. To which the editors replied: Look at the date it was published!


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

      And newest celebrity books

 

By Sarah Ferguson, Ex-Duchess of York: Cash In On Your Ex's

Celebrity Status Long After Being Dumped

 

By Elizabeth Taylor: Fat And Depressed? Write A Book About It!

 

By Eva Gabor: Become Rich And Famous With Little Or No Personal Accomplishment

 

By Cher, Forward by Madonna: Garner Attention By Acting And Dressing Like A Slut

 

By Anne Heche: Changing Your Sexual Preference For Personal Gain


BillGoat’s Blatherings…………………

 

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I'm sandblasting my oven.

 

I'm worried about my vertical hold.

 

I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

 

I'm being deported.

 

The grunion are running.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY by Nancy Pelosi

 

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY  by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore

 

MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg

 

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA  by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton


It’s so cold that…………………

 

when my wife shoveled the sidewalk, I could see her breath all the way from the living room couch.

 

cops are taking turns tasering each other.

 

only guys with names like "Al" and "Ed" have time to write their names in the snow.

 

we had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post

 

the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

 

7. Be more or less specific.

 

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

 

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

 

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Mark your calendars, Infidel shoppers: the New York City Council is holding a hearing against Wal-Mart opening a store in the city.  Talk about astounding inconsistency and hypocrisy in working to keep Wal-Mart out of New York City while doing allowing a mosque at Ground Zero!


But, on the other hand……………..

 

If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it."


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