March 11, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party……………

 

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

 

Washington, DC is the most well-read city in the nation. Nearly every resident at one time or another has been read his rights.

 

It snowed in 49 states, but not in Florida. However, they're still waiting for the results from Broward County.

 

Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers

 

A Chicago alderman is proposing the idea of not paying city officials when they're charged with felonies. The plan is expected to save taxpayers $50 billion because there aren't any Chicago official who aren't currently charged with felonies.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………..

 

True story: I used a #1 pencil on my SATs. Didn't get caught, either.

 

I wish the buck stopped here.  I could use a few

 

My boss has a brain like Einstein's -- dead since 1955

 

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat

 

All men are not homeless, but some are home less than others


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………………………

 

Assault, YOU SAY? "Bad Moon Rising: Woman Angry over Brother's Arrest Bared Her Bottom, Police Say" -  Knoxville (Tenn.) News headline

 

We Blame Global Warming: "As Storm Nears and Temps Rise, Obama Hits Golf Course for First Time This Year" - TheHill.com

 

Police Suspect Fowl Play: "Man Arrested With Chicken in His Pants" - Atlanta Business Chronicle

 

So Much for the War on Drugs: "Student Groups Take Hit"  - Kaimin (University of Montana)

 

We'll Drink to That!: "Bottoms Up Antarctic Ice Growth Discovered" - Associated Press

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Has Anyone Seen Jimmy Carter Lately?" - Reason.com

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Saudi Arabia: Demonstrations Won't Be Tolerated" - Associated Press

 

BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, then crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800- wha-aaah with Dr. Snivel. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'


Participant Paul’s Pernicious Puns…………………………

 

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Well what d'ye mean by that?" Pat replied, "It's like this, y'see, I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another, it was neither of us."

 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A step away from normal for St Patrick’s Day………………..

 

Why does Ireland have the strongest economy in Europe?  Because their capital is always Dublin.

 

Who's Irish and stays out all night?  Patty O'Furniture!

 

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?   Because they're always a little short.

 

What's the most popular name for a Irish gas station owner's son?  Phillip

 

What Irishman keeps bouncing off walls ?  Rick O'Shea.

 

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?  He's Dublin over with laughter!

 

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?  When it’s a French fry

 

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."


Soulful Sarah’s Strategic Sayings…………………………………

 

March is Keep Your Shoelaces Tied Month

 

This is National Toad Hollow Week

 

March 13 is . . National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day

 

March 13 is . . Jewel Day

 

March 14 is . . National Potato Chip Day

 

March 15 is . . Brutus Day

 

March 15 is . . Buzzard's Day

 

March 15 is . . Everything You Think Is Wrong Day

 

March 15 is . . Maple Syrup Saturday

 

March 15 is . . True Confessions Day

 

March 15 is . . Buzzard's Day

 

March 16 is . . Lips Appreciation Day

 

March 16 is . . Everything You Do Is Right Day  

 

March 17 is . . St Patrick’s Day

 

March 17 is . . Act Happy Day

 

March 18 is . . Supreme Sacrifice Day  

 

March 18 is . . Awkward Moments Day

 

March 18 is . . National Biodiesel Day

 

March 19 is . . Poultry Day


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#32: The Great Comic Strip Switcheroonie.    1997: Comic strip fans opened their papers on April 1, 1997 and discovered their favorite strips looked different. Not only that, but in many cases characters from other strips popped up out of place. The reason for the chaos was the Great Comics Switcheroonie. Forty-six comic-strip artists conspired to pen each other's strips for the day. For instance, Scott Adams of Dilbert took over Family Circus by Bil Keane, where he added a touch of corporate cynicism to the family-themed strip by having the mother tell her kid to "work cuter, not harder." Jim Davis of Garfield took over Blondie, which allowed him to show his famous overweight cat eating one of Dagwood's sandwiches. The stunt was masterminded by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott, creators of the Baby Blues comic strip. When asked why he participated, Scott Adams noted, "You don't get that many chances to tunnel under the fence."


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

      (Celeb Autobiographies)

 

By Michael Douglas: Boost Your Ego By Marrying Someone Less Than Half Your Age

 

By Robert Downey Jr: How To Thwart A Body Cavity Search Or Jail House Assault

 

By Sir Elton John: Get What You Want By Being A Tyrannical, Flamboyant, Chubby Little Man-Bitch

 

By Farrah Fawcett: How To Gross Out Your Grandchildren By Posing Nude In Playboy

 

By Michael Jackson: The Joy Of Rearing Young Boys


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I'll be looking for a parking space.

 

My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

 

The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

 

I'm taking punk totem pole carving.

 

I have to fluff my shower cap.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

 

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

 

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.


It’s so cold that…………………

 

your shadow freezes to the sidewalk

 

the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

 

Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick.

 

I chipped a tooth on my soup.

 

down at the morgue, you can't tell the workers from the clients


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

 

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

 

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

 

One should never generalize.

 

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  When you live outside of the DC beltway, it's impossible not to feel as if you're watching the antics of people who should be wearing big floppy shoes and big red noses on the job. The upside is that 20 of them could use a single jalopy in order to carpool to work.  A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it."


But, on the other hand……………..

 

A hug is a great gift... one size fits all.  It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.


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