March 25, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontier so the National Socialist Workers Party…………………….

 

The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is “Odyssey Dawn.” It’s the first military action to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn

 

Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars.

 

"One plus for Obama in all this [situation in Libya]: The Press Trust of India reports that Moammar Gadhafi wrote a letter to Obama in which he addressed the president as 'our son.' Gadhafi's claim of paternity is one more bit of evidence -- not that any is needed -- that the claim Obama was born in Kenya is a flat-out lie."  James Taranto WSJ

 

Indonesia's volcano erupted following Japan's earthquake Friday while New Jersey flooded and the South endured tornadoes. The earth is sending us a clear message. It's so constipated from the lack of oil drilling off the Louisiana coast that it's ready to explode

 

"The U.S. Border Patrol in Arizona was ordered to fire only beanbags at Mexican drug runners. No one's happy. Arizonans want a wall, the cops say beanbags stop nothing, and Mexicans are demanding they use live ammunition because beans are an offensive racial stereotype."

 

What do you call someone in congress who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Bill Gates has filed to divorce his wife because she refuses to do Windows.

 

I wrote a book on dieting - it should appeal to a wide audience.

 

It rained on the L.A. Marathon. Fortunately, unlike other marathons, in the L.A. Marathon you’re allowed to drive your car.

 

Traffic warning: "If you want to see 100, don't look for it on the speedometer."

 

When it comes to helping you out, I will stop at nothing.


Soulful Sarah’s Strategic Sayings…………………………………

 

March is National Peanut Month 

 

This is National Spring Fever Week

 

March 27 is . . National "Joe" Day 

 

March 28 is . . Eat Something On A Stick Day

 

March 29 is . . Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day

 

March 30 is . . I Am In Control Day

 

March 31 is . . Bunsen Burner Day

 

March 31 is . . National Clams On The Half Shell Day 


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

The Investigation Is Understandably Stalled: "Denver Fire's Arson Van Set on Fire" -  KDVR-TV headline

 

100%, the Lowest It's Ever Been: "U.S. Death Rate Hits Record Low" - WebMD.com

 

'So It's Not Surprising Then That They Get Bitter...': "Many Banks Are Clinging to Billions in Bailout Money" - New York Times website

 

Answers to Question Nobody Is Asking: "Larry King Has 'No Interest' in Interviewing Charlie Sheen" - TheDailyCaller.com

 

Helen Thomas Controls Self -- Now That Would Be News: "Helen Thomas: Jews Control White House, US Congress" - Jerusalem Post

 

Playboy Playmate to Be Clinton Woman -- Naw, That Wouldn't Be News: "Clinton Woman to Be Playboy Playmate" - Associated Press

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Porridge Is Hot Stuff in Ireland Again" - Times (Munster, IN)

 

News You Can Use: "Horseshoes, Herbs and Urine: All Useful for Warding Off Fairies" --Caledonian Mercury (Edinburgh, Scotland)


Headlines B.A. Ware would like to see……………….

 

Obama Edges Closer to Arafat in "Most Things Blown Up By a Nobel Peace Prize Winner" Rankings

 

Obama Moves to Block Bush in Presidential War-in-Arab-States Bingo Game

 

"Kumbaya" Sing-Along Scheduled as Saudis, French, Americans and Al-Qaeda All in Favor of Bombing Libya

 

Astronomers: The Moon's Still Coming Right at Us! Run for Your Lives!!!

 

Helicopters Dropping Water On Charlie Sheen


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame

 

A dog walks into a bar wearing a tutu. The bartender says " Hey dog, can I help you?" "Yeah" said the dog. "Do you have ballet barking?"

 

A man walks into the sheriff's office, and says," I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster. The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man. The sheriff answers, "Rustling."

 

Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that although Dick is a fine ship builder, he's not the rigger Mort is.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#35: Big Ben Goes Digital   1980: The BBC reported that Big Ben, in order to keep up with the times, was going to be given a digital readout. The announcement received a huge response from listeners shocked and angered by the proposed change. The BBC Japanese service also announced that the clock hands would be sold to the first four listeners to contact them. One Japanese seaman in the mid-Atlantic immediately radioed in a bid.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

 

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

WRINKLES - Something other people have, similar to my character lines.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Dear Noah,  We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving 'till 5.    Sincerely,  Unicorns

 

Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.    Sincerely, The Titanic

 

Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.    Sincerely, Canada

 

Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! It..." just saying...    Sincerely, Google

 

Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? What happened?!   Sincerely, 1985


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

 

It's too close to the turn of the century.

 

I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

 

My subconscious says no.

 

I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton

 

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

 

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

 

Kill all exclamation points!!!!

 

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

 

Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where, with the price of gasoline approaching $4.00 per gallon, the duly elected Democrats are proposing a “fee”  or “investment” of 10 cents per gallon to fix the pot holes.  Now we already had a transportation fund to cover these types of situations but they raided that to pay for “Thornton.”  And the madness continues……………


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others.


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