April 1, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

In the past, I railed against the Bushes equally so fair is fair)

 

“The whole aim of Democratic politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”  The difference between puppies and Liberals is that puppies quit crying when they grow up.

 

Obama says that U. S. operations in Libya are limited and have a definite end date. I don't believe that. We still have troops in Germany

 

Now that Nancy Pelosi is no longer the Speaker of the House, we won't have to see her jump up and applause 70 times during the State of the Union Address.

 

U.S. is funding the BBC World Service Trust, the British Broadcasting Company, to the tune of $4.5 million for "media support for strengthening advocacy, good governance and empowerment" worldwide

 

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money."   


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask: 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice answers: 'This may take more than one night

 

I feel great. Last night, I slept like an air traffic controller.

 

Happy is knowing who to blame

 

Calories are the little buggers that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.  

 

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

 

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.


Soulful Sarah’s Strategic Sayings…………………………………

 

April is National Humor Month 

 

This is National Hate Week

 

April 1 is One Cent Day

 

April 2 is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day

 

April 3 is Tweed Day

 

April 3 is Armenian Appreciation Day

 

April 3 is Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day

 

April 4 is Star Wars Day. And May the Fourth be with you.

 

April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day

 

April 4 is Tater Tot Day in Benton KY

 

April 5 is Go For Broke Day

 

April 6 is Sorry Charlie Day

 

April 6 is Check Your Batteries Day

 

April 6 is Knock Your Socks Off Day

 

April 6 is National Repot Your Plant Day

 

April 6 is National Tomato Day

 

April 6 is Tartan Day

 

April 7 is National Workplace Napping Day

 

April 7 is I've Got The Blues Day

 

April 7 is No Housework Day

 

April 8 is All Is Ours Day

 

April 8 is International Feng Shui Awareness Day

 

April 9 is Yourself Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: "Deputy: Strip Search Finds Crack Between Buttocks" -  WYFF-TV (South Carolina) headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Littwin: To Put It Bluntly, Libya Isn't Iraq -   Unless it Is" --Denver Post

 

News You Can Use: "Make Love, Not Time-Limited, Scope-Limited Military Actions" -  ABCNews.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "What Will Sarah Palin Whine About, if Not the 'Liberal Press'?" - Vanity Fair website

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Hot Women Don't Want to Pay for Dinner" - CNBC.com

 

Have They Checked the Golf Course?: "Cal State East Bay Loses President" - Oakland Tribune

 

Breaking News From 2013: "President Barack Obama Gets Locked Out of White House" - WEWS-TV website (Cleveland)


Headlines I.M. Boring would like to see……………….

 

Wisconsin Governor Contemplates Pay Toilets in Government Workers' Break Rooms

 

Former California Raisin Warren Christopher Dead at 85

 

Liberal Rappers, Conservative Language Purists Agree: Obama Dope

 

Japanese Nuclear Reactor Problems Pose No Health Issue, Says Glow-in-the-Dark Spokesperson

 

Missing Van Gogh Paintings Recovered During Katie Couric's Colonoscopy


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?" The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

 

Mr. Smith was cutting the grass and he accidently hit the cat and cut the cats tail off. He immediately took the cat inside and told his wife, we have to get the cat to the vet. They took the cat to the vet and the vet said, "I'm sorry but you need to take your cat to Wal-Mart." The wife said, "Wal-Mart?" "Yes," said the vet, "Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the world."

 

A frantic young woman rushed into Abe's Able Dry Cleaners and said to the man behind the counter, "Listen, I've got a terrible problem. I spilled ketchup on this dress, and I need it cleaned in two hours. Can you do it?" "Sure," said the owner, "but tell me, why is there a hamburger emblem on the dress?" "Well, you see," she replied, "a fast-food chain elected me Burger Queen of 2002. 1 have to wear that dress at my crowning ceremony in two hours. That's why I'm in a rush. Can you deliver it to me, Michelle Getty, at this address?" She handed him a card. "OK, I'll take care of it," he said. As soon as the young woman left, Abe went to work on the dress. In an hour and a half, he was finished. As he was going out the door, one of his employees stopped him and asked how to clean a certain fabric. "I can't talk now," Abe shouted. "I have to deliver the Getty's burger dress."


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#36: Discovery of the Bigon.   1996: Discover Magazine reported that physicists had discovered a new fundamental particle of matter, dubbed the Bigon. It could only be coaxed into existence for mere millionths of a second, but amazingly, when it did materialize it was the size of a bowling ball. Physicist Albert Manque and his colleagues accidentally found the particle when a computer connected to one of their vacuum-tube experiments exploded. Video analysis of the explosion revealed the Bigon hovering over the computer for a fraction of a second. Manque theorized that the Bigon might be responsible for a host of other unexplained phenomena such as ball lightning, sinking souffles, and spontaneous human combustion. Discover received huge amounts of mail in response to the story.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."

 

Quote from the Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

 

A motivational sign at work "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

 

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

 

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Dear Windshield Wipers, Can't touch this.   Sincerely, That Little Triangle

 

Dear Rose, There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.   Sincerely, Jack

 

Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.   Sincerely, BP

 

Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it.   Sincerely, God

 

Dear Nickleback, That's enough.   Sincerely, The World

 

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color.   Sincerely, Black people


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I left my body in my other clothes.

 

The last time I went, I never came back.

 

I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

 

I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

 

None of my socks match.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

 

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry

 

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

 

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian

 

THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

 

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

 

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

 

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

 

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where it’s dully (not duly) elected governor Martin O’Meekly, who promised to lower electric costs if he was elected but never did, is racing other states to install wind farms.  Unlike the late Teddy Kennedy, he can’t see the sea shore from his office so IT’S ALL GOOD.  Of course, overall this will increase the cost of electricity tremendously, but, who wouldn’t believe his promises?


But, on the other hand……………..

 

The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity.


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