April 8, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

General Electric, which made news this week for not owing federal taxes on $14.2 billion in profit, (and a BIG Obama supporter) got $36.6 million through the governments early retiree program.

 

McDonald’s announced that it will hire 50,000 people. Obama exempted them from his Healthcare!

 

Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action’, which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire'

 

A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden's staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn't have been so bad if Biden hadn't been locked in there too for the same reason.

 

President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

I figured out why I've gained weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, "for extra volume and body." Going to start using Dawn dish washing soap. It says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove!"

 

My oven has a "Stop Time" button on it. It probably means "Stop Timer" but I don't touch it just in case.

 

Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he invented Krispy Kreme doughnuts

 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 

"If our food and service does not meet up to your standards--lower your standards."


Soulful Sarah’s Strategic Sayings…………………………………

 

April is International Twit Award Month

 

This is National Hate the IRS Week

 

April 10 is Golfers Day

 

April 10 is Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day

 

April 11 is Eight-Track Tape Day

 

April 12 is Look Up At The Sky Day

 

April 12 is Walk on Your Wild Side Day

 

April 13 is Blame Somebody Else Day

 

April 14 is National Pecan Day

 

April 14 is International Moment of Laughter Day

 

April 15 is Rubber Eraser Day

 

April 15 is National Stress Awareness & Tax Day

 

April 16 is National Eggs Benedict Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

HOW'D THAT THEORY WORK OUT FOR YOU? "Man Before Being Tased: 'You Can't Tell Me What to Do'" -  Northwest Florida Daily News headline

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks          Do they taste like chicken?

 

Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half   Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 


Headlines I. Lasch would like to see……………….

 

Charlie Sheen Defends Disastrous Tour: "Still Funnier Than Robin Williams"

 

New SETI Project to Look for Signs of Intelligent Life in Washington, DC

 

Rolling Stone: Liberal War Mongering and Nation Building WAAAY Better Than Crappy Neo Con Version

 

Cubs Mathematically Eliminated From Pennant Race

 

Al Qaeda in Libya Eagerly Awaiting First Shipment of American Arms


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

(If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.)

 

When Franklin Roosevelt was president, he kept exotic fish and other sea creatures in several aquariums in the White House. In one of those aquariums, he kept a moray eel. This was not just your average moray. In fact, it did not look like any moray you have ever seen. Some people referred to it as some kind of albino creature, but that was not completely accurate. This moray eel actually had transparent skin. Whenever it poked its head out from the rocks in the aquarium, Franklin and his guests could see beneath its skin.    This was such a novel attraction that, even today, people often talk about Franklin Roosevelt and his nude eel.

 

I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software. I guess I'm just anti-Symantec

 

As I rasped sweet nothings in her ear, her disdainful look told me she was not going to fall for the hoarse whisperer.

 

A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capitol was always Dublin.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#37: Dutch Elm Disease Infects Redheads  1973: BBC Radio broadcast an interview with an elderly academic, Dr. Clothier, who discoursed on the government's efforts to stop the spread of Dutch Elm Disease. Dr. Clothier described some startling discoveries that had been made about the tree disease. For instance, he referred to the research of Dr. Emily Lang of the London School of Pathological and Environmental Medicine. Dr. Lang had apparently found that exposure to Dutch Elm Disease immunized people to the common cold. Unfortunately, there was a side effect. Exposure to the disease also caused red hair to turn yellow and eventually fall out. This was attributed to a similarity between the blood count of redheads and the soil conditions in which affected trees grew. Therefore, redheads were advised to stay away from forests for the foreseeable future. Dr. Clothier was in reality the comedian Spike Milligan.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Dear Scissors, I feel your pain--no one wants to run with me either.    Sincerely, Sarah Palin

 

Dear Osama Bin Laden, Marco....   Sincerely, United States

 

Dear World of Warcraft, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.  Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

 

Dear Batman, What was your power again?   Sincerely, Superman

 

Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.   Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

 

I'm having all my plants neutered.

 

People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.

 

I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

 

I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

He was as lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame.  Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

 

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

 

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

 

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

 

Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  The Democrats are continuing their war on Christianity - Munson Township, OH is renaming their Easter Egg Hunt to the Spring Egg Hunt.  The Washington Post and CBS are Receiving Over $1,000,000 from Obamacare Slush Fund   “It is fine with me if they continue covering the ObamaCare debate,” said Rep. Marsha Blackburn, Republican of Tennessee, in an e-mail to The Daily Caller. “When NBC used to cover energy issues, they identified themselves as a subsidiary of General Electric. CBS and Washington Post just have to disclose that they are subsidiaries of the Obama Administration”....


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.


Return to the Friday's Musings main page

 

Return to the A-1 Associates main page