April 15, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama’s performance. The other 81 percent don’t own gas stations.

 

There is a new dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

 

Jail to house transgender men with women inmates.  Cook County Jail in Chicago (Obama's  home town) has instituted a new policy that assigns men and women to cells based on their perceived gender.

 

We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked.

 

If Newt Gingrich wins the presidential race in 2012, would his current wife be called the 'Third Lady'?


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

The cowboy died with his boots on because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!

 

IRS Auditor: "The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money."

 

If time and space are curved, where do all of the straight people come from

 

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

 

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.


Sappy Sarah’s Strategic Sayings…………………………………

 

April is National Knuckles Down Month

 

This is National Karaoke Week

 

April 17 is National Cheeseball Day

 

April 17 is National Librarian Day.    [So everybody shhhhhhhhh.]

 

April 17 is Blah, Blah, Blah Day

 

April 18 is International Jugglers Day

 

April 18 is Eggs, Eggs, Eggs Days

 

April 19 is Garlic Day  

 

April 19 is Husband Appreciation Day

 

April 20 is Look Alike Day

 

April 21 is Kindergarten Day

 

April 22 is National Jelly Bean Day

 

April 23 is Read Me The Riot Act Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

(If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.)

 

PROBABLY STRANGELY APPROPRIATE: "Police: Man Tried to Steal Frozen Shrimp Stuffed down His Pants" -  York (Pa.) Daily Record headline

 

We Doubt Those Low-Flow Models Would Be Up to the Task: "Rand Paul Uses Toilets to Argue Energy Department 'Could Be Gotten Rid Of'" - TheHill.com

 

How Are They Going to Find Someone Else With the Same Name?: "Glenn Beck Is Leaving Fox's 'Glenn Beck'" - CNN.com

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Mix of Weather to Continue in Region" - Reno (NV) Gazette-Journal

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Why Do Sea Turtles Need Solar Panels?" - San Francisco Chronicle website

 

News You Can Use: "Don't Let Your iPhone See You Naked" - Forbes.com

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Dems Banking on Obama Re-Election" - Boston Herald


Headlines Polly Ester would like to see……………….

 

Democrats Grow Tiny, Temporary Testicles as Obama Presents Budget Plan

 

Singer Chris Brown Explains GMA Outburst: "As a Violent Idiot and Felon, I Felt the Need to Assert Myself Inappropriately"

 

Protesters in Nairobi Demand Obama Step Down as Kenyan President

 

Wisconsin Governor Contemplates Pay Toilets in Government Workers' Break Rooms

 

Former California Raisin Warren Christopher Dead at 85


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

The local police department answered a call from the convent about a strange object circling overhead. When the officer arrived to take the report, he asked Mother Superior what kind of object it was. "I can't say," she replied, "but sister Elizabeth says she knows exactly what it looked like. Would you like to speak with her?" "That's ok," said the policeman. "I'll just put it down as a nun-identified flying object."

 

California does have its faults.

 

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#38: Operation Parallax.   1979: London's Capital Radio announced that Operation Parallax would soon go into effect. This was a government plan to resynchronize the British calendar with the rest of the world. It was explained that ever since 1945 Britain had gradually become 48 hours ahead of all other countries because of the constant switching back and forth from British Summer Time. To remedy this situation, the British government had decided to cancel April 5 and 12 that year. Capital Radio received numerous calls as a result of this announcement. One employer wanted to know if she had to pay her employees for the missing days. Another woman was curious about what would happen to her birthday, which fell on one of the cancelled days.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

 

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

 

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too but at least I respect him.

 

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

 

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Dear Global Warming, You're the best imaginary friend ever!   Sincerely, Al Gore

 

Dear Ugly People, You're welcome.   Sincerely, Alcohol

 

Dear Mr. Gump, What are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....

Sincerely, Jenny

 

Dear Katy Perry, I liked the kiss too.    Sincerely, Justin Beiber

 

Dear Haiti, Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?   Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell


Delusional David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

 

My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

 

I'm touring China with a wok band.

 

My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

 

I never go out on days that end in "Y."


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by PETA

 

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson

 

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy

 

MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

 

Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan. With one in three men out of work, for men Obama’s recession is a depression. Meanwhile, Media figures David Gregory of NBC’s “Meet the Press,” David Brooks of The New York Times, Fareed Zakaria of CNN’s “GPS,” Margaret Warner of PBS’s “Newshour,” and Riz Khan of Al-Jazeera English are among the speakers at the eighth Annual U.S.-Islamic World Forum in Washington, D.C. this week. The event is “held in partnership” with Qatar, the Middle East dictatorship that funds and sponsors the terror channel Al-Jazeera and has links to al-Qaeda.  The forum is co-sponsored by the liberal Brookings Institution.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Winners - people who tell you what they did and not people who tell you what they think you ought to do.


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