April 23, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

 

Washington, DC is the most well-read city in the nation. Nearly every resident at one time or another has been read his rights.

 

It snowed in 49 states, but not in Florida. However, they're still waiting for the results from Broward County.

 

Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers

 

A Chicago alderman is proposing the idea of not paying city officials when they're charged with felonies. The plan is expected to save taxpayers $50 billion because there aren't any Chicago official who aren't currently charged with felonies.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day

 

I used to be a heavy gambler, but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

 

Fish & Game officials are investigating why hundreds of blackbirds suddenly fell from the sky near Little Rock, Arkansas. Eye-witnesses reported that several hours earlier they had begun packing up their cares and woes while singing low and waving

 

Bears look very cuddly on TV, but in real life, they’re very dangerous and unpredictable — like Katie Couric.

 

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.


Soulful Sarah’s Strategic Sayings…………………………………

 

April is National Soft Pretzel Month

 

This is Egg Salad Week

 

April 24 is National Pigs In A Blanket Day

 

April 24 is National Hairball Awareness Day

 

April 25 is National Idaho Potato Day [Just for Jill ]

 

April 25 is National Zucchini Bread Day

 

April 26 is Richter Scale Day

 

April 26 is National Pretzel Day

 

April 26 is Hug An Australian Day

 

April 26 is National Sense of Smell Day

 

April 27 is No Excuse Day

 

April 27 is Tell A Story Day

 

April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day

 

April 28 is Kiss Your Mate Day

 

April 29 is National Shrimp Scampi Day

 

April 30 is National Honesty Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

SUCKER! "Tips Lead Lincoln Police to Suspected Vacuuming Bandit" - Lincoln (Neb.) Journal Star headline

 

Wow, What a Scoop!: "Obama Exclusive: I Was Born in Hawaii and I Don't 'Have Horns'" - ABCNews.com

 

News of the Tautological: "Obama's Speech Was a Waste of Breath" - TheAtlantic.com

 

Too Much Information: "Sen. Tom Coburn on Budget Battle: 'We Need Senators With Gonads'" - ABCNews.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Is Trump Hype Over Obama Birth Newsworthy?" - USA Today

 

Answer to Question Nobody Is Asking: "The Problem With Giving Condoms to 11-Year-Olds" - FoxNews.com


Headlines Justin Case would like to see……………….

 

Auburn's Cam Newton Moves to Canada to Avoid NFL Draft

 

Breaking: Prince William Will Wear Ring -- Just Not on Finger

 

Liberal Rappers, Conservative Language Purists Agree: Obama Dope

 

Japanese Nuclear Reactor Problems Pose No Health Issue, Says Glow-in-the-Dark Spokesperson

 

Missing Van Gogh Paintings Recovered During Katie Couric's Colonoscopy


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

My neighbor is an OB-GYN doctor who has Chicago Bears season tickets at Soldier Field. He sits in the 'C' section

 

My girlfriend's idea of exercise is trying on dresses for three hours every Saturday. I finally had to tell her, "I don't think this is working out

 

Back in the horse and buggy days, they had a real stable economy.

 

A friend of mine just started his own business. He manufactures landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#39: Space Shuttle Lands in San Diego.   1993: Dave Rickards, a deejay at KGB-FM in San Diego, announced that the space shuttle Discovery had been diverted from Edwards Air Force Base and would instead soon be landing at Montgomery Field, a small airport located in the middle of a residential area just outside of San Diego. Thousands of commuters immediately headed towards the landing site, causing enormous traffic jams that lasted for almost an hour. Police eventually had to be called in to clear the traffic. People arrived at the airport armed with cameras, camcorders, and even folding chairs. Reportedly the crowd swelled to over 1,000 people. Of course, the shuttle never landed. In fact, the Montgomery Field airport would have been far too small for the shuttle to even consider landing there. Moreover, there wasn't even a shuttle in orbit at the time. The police were not amused by the prank. They announced that they would be billing the radio station for the cost of forcing officers to direct the traffic.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

 

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

 

Quote from telephone inquiry: "We're only hiring one summer intern this year, and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.  I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream. What now?    Sincerely, Leonardo Di Caprio

  

Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?    Sincerely, The Mayans

  

Dear Snooki, GET BACK TO WORK!   Sincerely, Willy Wonka

 

 Dear iPhone, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of crap.    Sincerely, Every iPhone User


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

 

I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.

 

I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.

 

I'm too old/young for that stuff.

 

I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

 

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

 

When your hands are covered with oil, grease or glue, your nose will start to itch or you'll need to pee. (Law of ichiban)

 

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

 

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  My hard drive had a hiccup and I lost my notes for this week………


But, on the other hand……………..

 

The largest room in the world is the room for improvement.


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