April 29, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

I demand to see Donald Trumps' long form, Republican registration certificate

 

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress

 

The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless

 

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.

 

House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears.

 

"We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumb asses by the rest of the world that we went to the polls and removed all doubt."


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

The same day that Charlie Sheen loses a girl friend, all of a sudden, Katie Couric announces that she’s leaving CBS News. Coincidence?

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

 

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

 

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

 

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive.


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

WAS THAT THE FIRST HALF, OR THE SECOND? "Report: Jensen [Fla.] Man Tries to Light Hearing Aid, Apparently Confusing it with Cigarette, after Half Bottle of Jager" -  Treasure Coast Palm headline

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Earth Day Instead of Easter?" --DailyCaller.com

 

Breaking News From Genesis 7:4: "A Lot More Rain on the Way" - Pantagraph (Bloomington, IL)

 

You Call That Fair and Balanced?: "5 People Attacked by Rabid Fox in Nashua, NH" - WHDH-TV website (Boston)

 

Must've Been a No Passing Zone: "Truck Carrying Laxatives Causes Backup on Interstate" - WAFF-TV website (Huntsville, AL)

 

So Make Sure Your Surgeon Is Still Drunk: "Hungover Surgeons Make More Mistakes, Study Finds" - FoxNews.com

 

Answer to Question Nobody Is Asking: "Why You Should Love $5 Gas" - Money.msn.com

 

Bottom Story of the Day: "Americans Don't Care About Royal Wedding" - Commentary website


Headlines Al Bino would like to see……………….

 

Advertising Researchers Discover New Ways in Which You Are Deficient

 

Dept of Homeland Security Reports Run-Up to Royal Wedding Raises Domestic Ho-Hum Level to Orange

 

Royal Wedding Interest in USA Nearing Soccer World Cup Levels

 

Report: GOP Considering Barnum/Bailey 2012 Presidential Ticket


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

      If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug.  Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

 

When a boy when he reaches puberty,, he says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

 

A girl doesn't have to be able to add if she can distract

 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

 

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#40: The Spiggot Metric Boycott.   1973: Westward Television, a British TV studio, produced a documentary feature about the village of Spiggot. As the documentary explained, the stubborn residents of this small town were refusing to accept the new decimal currency recently adopted by the British government, preferring instead to stick with the traditional denominations they had grown up with. As soon as the documentary was over, the studio received hundreds of calls expressing support for the brave stand taken by the villagers. In fact, many of the callers voiced their intention to join in the anti-decimal crusade. Unfortunately for this burgeoning rebellion, the village of Spiggot did not exist.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall, Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?   Sincerely, Terrified

 

Dear Trash, At least you get picked up... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

 

Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first......... Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

 

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.  

 

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.  


Dangerous David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I have too much guilt.

 

There are important world issues that need worrying about.

 

I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.

 

I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

 

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

 

Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (First Law of Persistence Dynamics)

 

When you run to answer the telephone, you will pick up the receiver just in time to hear the other party hang up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

 

The call you've been waiting for all day will arrive when you are about to make a call. Or just after. (Principle of Bellsouth)

 

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be on at the same time. (Law of wasteland)


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

 

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the elected lawmakers are investigating the opportunity for fining hybrid car owners because they are not paying their share of gasoline taxes.  The same folks that brought you the low flow toilet and mercury laden light bulb.  Liberals never did understand unintended consequences. For them The intentions outweigh the results…………………..


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.


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