May 6, 2011
Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………
The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies, is lunch
At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump sounded an upbeat theme: "If I am given the chance to do the same magic I did for NBC, America will be the number four country in the world."
Hubert "Hub" Schlafly, who helped invent the teleprompter, has died at age 91. When he heard the news that the inventor of the teleprompter had died, President Obama was speechless
Liberals are compassionate people. That's why they support abortion and oppose the death penalty
The Industrial Revolution destroyed the environment, but now we're not destroying it as much as we used to. We're concentrating on destroying the economy instead.
Morality used to be a compass forever fixed and forever true. It's now a weathervane blowing with the winds.
Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….
Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he invented Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
"Horse sense" That sense horses have not to bet on people!
The Miss Universe contest is fixed! All the winners are from Earth!
Liberals tend to make rules for themselves and exceptions for themselves
Growing old is nothing more than mind over matter; If you don't mind, it doesn't matter
Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..
BUT HE WAS UNARMED! "Police: Robber Tripped Up by 1-legged Man" - Salem (Mass.) News headline
It's Always in the Last Place You Look: "Bin Laden Was Found at Luxury Pakistan Compound" - Reuters
Out on a Limb: "Hillary Clinton: Osama bin Laden Death Doesn't End War on Terror" - Associated Press
Questions Nobody Is Asking:
"Killing Osama: Was It Legal?" - The New Yorker website
"Is It Proper to Celebrate Osama bin Laden's Death?" - Aish.com
"Why Are We So Happy Osama bin Laden Is Dead?" - DallasSouthNews.org
The Other Remains Were Buried at Sea: "Commander-in-Chief Keeps Cool Head" - Financial Times
Bottom Story of the Day: "Americans Care About Global Warming Even Less Than Before" - Gothamist.com
Headlines Ella Vader would like to see……………….
Bin Laden Feared Lost at Sea
Playboy Airbrushing Department Offers to Make Bin Laden Death Photos Presentable
FOX News Questions White House's Decision Not to Fire Bin Laden's Body Out of Cannon Into Elephant's Ass
CIA Warns Americans That Bin Laden's Death May Lead to New Jeff Dunham Material
Obama Pollsters Get Predictable Bounce, Boners
Report: Bin Laden Body Dumped in Same Spot Where Clinton Dumped Vince Foster Body
Osama Bin Laden Succumbs to Molten Lead Poisoning
GOP Pretty Sure Reagan Deserves Credit for Killing Bin Laden
Bin Laden's Neighbors Describe Him as "the Quiet Type Who Kept to Himself"
US Citizens Realizing Pakistani Definition of "Mansion" Very Different From Their Own
Osama Bin Laden Killed While Hunting With Dick Cheney
Donald Trump Proud of His Contribution to Bin Laden's Death
Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………
If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.
A pun is the lowest form of wit,
It does not tax the brain a bit:
One merely takes a word that’s plain
And picks one out that sounds the same.
Perhaps some letter may be changed
Or others slightly disarranged,
This to the meaning gives a twist,
Which much delights the humorist.
A sample now may help to show
The way a good pun ought to go;
"It isn't the cough, that carries you off, It's the coffin that they carry you off in."
Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………
#41: Dogs to be painted white. 1965: Politiken, a Copenhagen newspaper, reported that the Danish parliament had passed a new law requiring all dogs to be painted white. The purpose of this, it explained, was to increase road safety by allowing dogs to be seen more easily at night.
Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..
Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, dead sheep, and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..
I feel a song/poem coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hare.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop, Children's edition)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to price of the clothes. (Law of Campbell scoop, Adult edition)
Sitting down on the commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of O Golly Gee!)
Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan. The ruling party of Absurdistan has chased the last of the Fortune 500 companies out of State - Constellation Energy. Predecessors were Baltimore Bancorp, Fidelity & Deposit, USF&G, First MD Bancorp, MD National Bank & Alex Brown. The Baltimore City School Board hired Kevin Seabrite in 2008. They paid him over $100,000 per year and he had NO LEGITIMATE CREDENTIALS. He has resigned and gone into private work. ACORN no doubt. Your tax dollars at work!
But, on the other hand……………..
Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime, Therefore, we are saved by hope.
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