May 13, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

A new poll found that Donald Trump is ahead of Mitt Romney as the most popular Republican presidential candidate for 2012. Trump called it "great news," while Obama called it "great news

 

Let’s be real, if Fox News covered George W. Bush using a teleprompter it would be to praise the President’s excellent reading skills.

 

Donald Trump has announced he will no longer be driving the celebrity pace car in the Indianapolis 500 this year. Guess he can’t stand even the appearance anymore of turning to the left

 

President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That’s right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss.

 

Osama's last words? "This is Abbottabad as it gets." 


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

 

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker

 

The citizens of Altoona, Pennsylvania were paid $25,000 to temporarily change the name of the city to help promote Morgan Spurlock's new movie. They're getting spoiled. They already collected $50,000 for naming the city Altoona.

 

Wonder how Obama got elected? If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side

 

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

 

I'm writing a book about the recession - It starts with Chapter 11.


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

OOH, THIS WON'T END WELL: "Angry Mom with Pliers Chases Man Who Tried to Abduct Her Daughter" -  Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel headline

 

So Much for the War on Drugs: "The President's Crack Team" - New York Review of Books website

 

Osama Imitates Obama:

"'I Won't Smoke in White House,' Obama Vows" - Newser.com, 2008

"Osama bin Laden Banned Smoking in Compound" - Daily Telegraph (London), 2011

 

Out on a Limb: "The Post-bin Laden Outlook? Anybody's Guess" - WashingtonJewishWeek.com

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Eerie Links Between Harry Potter, bin Laden" - Reuters

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "What if Sanity Prevails in Washington?" - New York Times magazine

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Michael Moore Not Happy About bin Laden 'Execution'" - Reuters


Headlines Al Dente would like to see……………….

 

Pakistan Denies Knowing Waldo Was There

 

Bin Laden Wives: He Never Helped With Dishes, Always Left Seat Up

 

EPA Fines Navy SEALS for Toxic Ocean Dumping

 

Suicide Jumper From Dubai Skyscraper Still Hasn't Hit Ground

 

Gingrich Formally Announces Bid to Seek 4th Wife

 

"Birthers," "Deathers" Merge Into "IJustPlainDon'tWantThatObamaToBePresidenters"

 

Al Qaeda Vows "Your Streets Will Rain Blood" as Revenge for New Kate Hudson Chick Flick


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

I have an 18-year-old, her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

 

Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine. Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation. Perhaps he'd let us try out some of his first batch of hooch."   The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing's brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey. "Here, try this and tell me if you think it's aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.   Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced, "Crosbie's still's mash is young."

 

I called the plumber on the phone. "Can you come over and fix my kitchen sink again?" His encouraging reply: "You know I'm always at your disposal."

 

He was a tailor who took out an ad in the Yellow Pages that read, "I'll cut for you, I'll sew for you, I'll even dye for you."

 

Never complain about the price of a train ticket. It’s bound to be fare.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#42: Webnode   1999: A press release issued over Business Wire announced the creation of a new company called Webnode. This company, according to the release, had been granted a government contract to regulate ownership of 'nodes' on the 'Next Generation Internet.' Each of these nodes (there were said to be over 50 million of them) represented a route that data could travel. The company was licensed to sell each node for $100. Nodes would increase in value depending on how much traffic they routed, and owners would also receive usage fees based on the amount of data that flowed across their section of the internet. Therefore, bidding for the nodes was expected to become quite intense. Offers to buy shares in Webnode soon began pouring in, but they all had to be turned down since the company was just a prank. There really was a Next Generation Internet, but there were no nodes on it. Business Wire didn't find the prank amusing and filed suit against its perpetrators for fraud, breach of contract, defamation, and conspiracy.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

      You are Irish if:

 

You will never play professional basketball.

 

You swear very well.

 

At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office.

 

You think you sing very well.

 

You have no idea how to make a long story short!


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

 

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.  

 

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.  

 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

 

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.

 

You know how we psychos are.

 

My favorite commercial is on TV.

 

I have to study for a blood test.

 

I'm going to be old someday.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

 

One week after discarding something you haven't used for years, you will need it. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

 

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if you arrive late everyone else will have arrived before you. (Law of deLay)

 

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Locally, here in Absurdia, food price index has risen 71.7 % since 2009.  HOPE you like the CHANGE!  But we are not as bad as Detroit where almost 1/2 of Detroiters can't read!!!  But, right here in Absurdia, 187 Absurdia cops have been suspended! 


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.


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