May 20, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, “We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.”

 

"President Obama courted Hispanics Tuesday, offering citizenship to anyone who will register, pay their back taxes and learn English. The president and the crowd share an unbreakable bond. They all bought their birth certificates in MacArthur Park in Los Angeles."

 

It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, “Why the long face?”

 

Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama’s re-election is Joe Biden.

 

President Obama admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. And it didn’t help that every two seconds, Joe Biden kept saying, “Are we there yet?”

 

President Obama will give a speech about how great it is to have immigrants in our country. Maria Shriver will give the rebuttal.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

I'm high maintenance. I take aspirin for the headache caused by the Zyrtec I take for the hayfever I got from Relenza from the uneasy stomach from the Ritalin I take for the short attention span caused by the Scopederm Ts I take for the motion sickness I got from the Lomotil I take for the diarrhea caused by the Zenikal for the uncontrolled weight gain from the Paxil I take for the anxiety from the Zocor I take for my high cholesterol because exercise, a good diet, and regular chiropractic care are just too much trouble.

 

I was in Lowe's the other day. I went to the self-checkout machine and was about to pay when I saw a button that said, "Cancel payment." I pressed it and walked out. What a great store.

 

Don't quote me on it, but I heard that 1-800-GAMBLER gives you 3-to-1 odds you don't make it.

 

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 100 million tons of sand from Saudi Arabia and they're going to drill for their own oil.

 

Scientists say they have found the "master switch" that controls obesity. It's called the refrigerator light.


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

WHO LOVES YA, BABY? "Macon Police Defuse Situation Using Lollipops" -   Macon (Ga.) Telegraph headline

 

Easier Than Being a Messiah Like Obama: "Bush Says He Still Prefers to Be a Saint" - Associated Press

 

'I Want to Spike the Football!': "Obama to GOP: Stop Moving Goalposts on Immigration Reform" - TheHill.com

 

Teresa Told Him She Needed Her Space: "Kerry to Visit Pakistan to Get Relationship on 'Right Track'" - TheHill.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Will Christ Return May 21?" - Atlanta Journal-Constitution

 

Answer to Question  Nobody Is Asking: "Why Zombie Ants Infected by Mind-Controlling Fungus Always Kill Themselves at High Noon" - Daily Mail (London)

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Health Care Costs Continue to Rise" --Milwaukee Journal Sentinel


Headlines Bill Oney would like to see……………….

 

Schwarzenegger Being Considered as New IMF Director

 

Tiger Woods Withdraws After Nine Holes; Had He Done This Three Years Ago, He'd Still Be Married

 

Bin Laden's Six Wives Turn Down Bravo "Real Housewives of Abbottabad" Pitch

 

Donald Trump Encourages Tornado-Displaced Alabamans to Travel to Their Winter Homes While Repairs Made

 

US Military Mistakenly Kills Jon Bon Jovi


 

Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

Scientists at MIT have reportedly announced that they have discovered a new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men's shorts. The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the scientific community for any information that would help identify the insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of men.

 

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.

 

 

A bailiff moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena coladas

 

Mom says I would make a good electrician because I spend most of my childhood grounded.

 

More than five million American women are overweight. These, of course, are round figures.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#43: An Interview with President Carter.   2001: Michael Enright, host of the Sunday Edition of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation's radio program This Morning, interviewed former President Jimmy Carter on the air. The interview concerned Canada's heavily subsidized softwood lumber industry, about which Carter had recently written an editorial piece in The New York Times. The interview took a turn for the worse when Enright began telling Carter to speed up his answers. Then Enright asked, "I think the question on everyone's mind is, how did a washed-up peanut farmer from Hicksville such as yourself get involved in such a sophisticated bilateral trade argument?" Carter seemed stunned by the insult. Finally he replied, "Excuse me? A washed-up peanut farmer? You're one to talk, sir. Didn't you used to be on the air five times a week?" The tone of the interview did not improve from there. Carter ended up calling Enright a "rude person" before he hung up. Enright then revealed that the interview had been fake. The Toronto comedian Ray Landry had been impersonating Carter's voice. The interview generated a number of angry calls from listeners who didn't find the joke funny. But the next day the controversy reached even larger proportions when the Globe and Mail reported the interview as fact on their front pages. The editor of the Globe and Mail later explained that he hadn't realized the interview was a hoax because it was "a fairly strange issue and a strange person to choose as a spoof."


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

 

Forgive your enemy, but remember the ba*****'s name.

 

Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

 

Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

 

Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.


Dithering David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I've been traded to Cincinnati.

 

I'm observing National Apathy Week.

 

I have to rotate my crops.

 

My uncle escaped again.

 

I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

My mother taught me RELIGION.   "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.   "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

My mother taught me LOGIC.   "Because I said so, that's why."

 

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .   "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  In Newport Beach, CA, full time lifeguards work just four days a week (10 hour days) while earning an average of $120,000 per year, plus a lucrative benefits package that allows them to retire at age 50, and a generous allowance for 'Sun Protection'.  And here in Absurdistan, no new politicians have been indicted this week.  But we are still waiting for our leaders illegitimate child to be outed.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

I prefer not to recount the details of my youthful indiscretions. I don't want to set a bad example for the young people of today, but mainly I'm not exactly sure when the statute of limitations expires.


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