May 27, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

The most humble man: "I feel that my role as a former president is probably superior to that of other presidents. Primarily because of the activism and the injection of working at the Carter Center and in international affairs, and to some degree, domestic affairs, on energy conservation, on environment, and things of that kind. ... And the Carter Center has decided, under my leadership, to fill the vacuums in the world." --Jimmy Carter

 

President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.

 

Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.

 

"We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumb asses by the rest of the world that we went to the polls last November and removed all doubt."

 

President Obama offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they’re going to try it here.

 

Husband of Representative Jan Schakowsky (D-IL), convicted fraudster Robert Creamer has announced that he is opening a nationwide political consulting firm, Democracy Partners. And the beat goes on...................


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

My wife and I both enjoy long walks along the beach. They're so relaxing, especially because I can watch SportsCenter while she's away.

 

My neighbor took a golf club to his ex's BMW. Since it was a foreign model, he's being charged with a hate crime.

 

A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is not day at the beach either

 

A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he's average.

 

Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex because so many of us pay through the nose.


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

BUT IT TOOK THREE MONTHS, BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T COOPERATE: "German Mayor Rescues Man Trapped in Women's Prison" -  Reuters headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Obama Jolt Unlikely to Spark Mideast Peace Talks" - MSNBC.com

 

Breaking News From Genesis 1:20: "Animal Kingdom Is Just Getting Started"  -NBCSports website

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Could Climate Disruptions Lead to an Increase in GIANT SNAKES?" - Grist.org

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "World Watches as Kim Jong-il Returns to Health" - Scotsman

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Toronto Barely Blinks as Rapture Comes and Goes" - Toronto Star


Headlines Al Fresco would like to see……………….

 

Even Bill Clinton Making Fun of Arnold's Taste in Mistresses

 

Newly Discovered Planet Has Potential for Intelligent Life; Then Again, So Does Earth

 

Paid Spokesman Says His Employer Is Completely Innocent and "Really Great Guy"

 

US Invokes Right of International Alliteration, Slaps Severe Sanctions on Syria

 

Ashton Kutcher's Streak of Near-Miraculous Luck Begins 14th Year With No Slowdown in Sight


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

A procrastinator's work is never done.

 

Life gave me melons, not lemons. I think life is dyslexic, but never mind. The question is: How can I make melonade?

 

Those who iron clothes have a lot of pressing demands.

 

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

 

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#44: Around the World for 210 Guineas,  1972: In honor of the 100-year anniversary of Thomas Cook's first round the world travel tour, the London Times ran a full article about Cook's 1872 tour, in which it noted that the vacation had cost the participants only 210 guineas each, or approximately $575. Of course, inflation had made a similar vacation quite a bit more expensive by 1972. A few pages later, the Times included a small article noting that in honor of the 100-year anniversary, the travel agent Thomas Cook was offering 1000 lucky people the chance to buy a similar package deal at 1872 prices. The offer would be given to the first 1000 people to apply. The article noted that applications should be addressed to "Miss Avril Foley." The public response to this bargain-basement offer was swift and enthusiastic. Huge lines of people formed outside the Thomas Cook offices, and the travel agent was swamped with calls. Belatedly the Times identified the offer as an April Fool's joke and apologized for the inconvenience it had caused. The people who had waited in line for hours were, to put it mildly, not amused. The reporter who wrote the article, John Carter, was fired (though he was later reinstated).


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

      You are Irish if:

 

There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone.

 

Much of your childhood meals were boiled.

 

You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

 

You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer  (ya know ya were thinkin' about bein' bad whether ya did it or not).

 

You're strangely poetic after a few beers.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

 

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Diabolic David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

 

I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

 

I have to go to court for kitty littering.

 

I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

 

I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.   “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

My mother taught me IRONY.   "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .      "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.        "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

My mother taught me about STAMINA .    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 

Half the people you know are below average.

 

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the liberal insanity runs riot, as per the following.  ZERO DISCRETION: Graham Dennis kept a pen knife in his gym bag to repair his lacrosse stick. Teammate Casey Edsall carried a lighter for the same purpose. The coaches at Easton (Md.) High School, knew about both tools. School officials searched the boys' gym bags on the bus as they were headed toward a game, School officials declared the pen knife a "deadly weapon" and the lighter an "explosive device." The boys were suspended. School officials also called police, and Dennis, 17, was taken away in handcuffs to face weapons charges. Lynne Duncan, Talbot County supervisor of student services said our policy doesn't allow for other than zero tolerance.  RC/Baltimore Sun) ...So "Zero Thinking" is official school policy!


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in  trouble, but it is a "steering wheel"  that directs the right path throughout.


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