June 3, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Obama was in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.

 

Family Radio took out ads warning that Saturday is Judgment Day.  Republicans are terrified if the rapture occurs and the righteous are called to heaven, it'll leave the Democrats with a permanent majority.

 

IMF president Dominique Strauss-Kahn was denied bail in New York and charged with sexual assault. They said he came out of his hotel shower naked and had unwanted sex with the chambermaid. If convicted he could get four to eight years as California governor.

 

The Supreme Court says California must reduce its prison population by 30,000. They have little choice but to release hardened criminals back into the state legislature

 

President Obama offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they're going to try it here.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Two monologues don't make a dialogue.

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards -- in the beginning, all you needed was two hearts and a diamond. But after years pass, there are times you wished you had a club and a spade.

 

World's toughest job? How about being the guy who has to put the whoop-ass *into* the can?

 

For Valentine's Day I sent my girlfriend unbleached white, whole wheat, semolina and durum. It got me nowhere. So much for all the effort I put into sending her flours.

 

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING? "Police: 3-Year-Old With Blowtorch Sets  Neighborhood Fires" -  WTAE-TV (Pittsburgh, Pa.) headline

 

Shortest Book Ever Written: "The Case for Higher Taxes" - New York Times website

 

Too Much Information: "Barney Frank Admits Getting His Former-Lover a Fannie Position" - EconomicPolicyJournal.com

 

What Do You Call Shrimp on a Treadmill? Pork!: "Tax Dollars Fund Shrimp on Treadmills, Jell-O Wrestling in Antarctica" - The Washington Times

 

According to the Flat Earth Society: "JFK Had Doubts About Moon Landing" - Boston Globe

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Bulls Collapse to the Undeterred Heat, Lose Series 4-1" - BlogaBull.com

 

Breaking News From May 1: "U.S. Gains Entry to bin Laden's Pakistan House" - The Wall Street Journal

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "After He Ordered the Killing of Osama bin Laden, Can Barack Obama Be a Role Model for Black Kids?"  -Daily Telegraph website

 

News You Can Use: "How to Make American Tornadoes" - Commentary website


Headlines Peg Legge would like to see……………….

 

Hearing Begins for Accused Deaf Murderer

 

Shaq Will Sit Out Remainder of Regular Lifetime, But Expects to Come Back for Playoffs

 

Snoop Dog Inducted Into Stereotype Hall of Fame

 

Study: Jehovah's Witnesses Not Good at Taking Hints

 

Vandals Deface Joan Rivers


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?  He became a Small Medium At Large.

 

A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?"

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

 

This town is so small the city jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

 

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

 

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.' I said, "I don't know, maybe 350 pounds


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#45: Bearskin Helmets Need Trimming.  1980: Soldier magazine revealed that the fur on the bearskin helmets worn by the Irish guards while on duty at Buckingham Palace keeps growing and needs to be regularly trimmed:  The most hair-raising fact about the bearskins has been discovered by scientists recently. The skins retain an original hormone, which lives on after the animal has been skinned. Scientists call it otiose and it is hoped it can be put to use in medical research — especially into baldness.  The article quoted Maj. Ursa who noted, "Bears hibernate in the winter and the amazing thing is that in the spring the skins really start to sprout." An accompanying photo showed Guardsmen sitting in an army barbershop having their helmets trimmed. The story was picked up by the London Daily Express and run as a straight story.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

      If you are Irish….

 

You are, therefore, poetic a lot.

 

You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.

 

Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.

 

Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen ... and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen .

 

Someone in your family is incredibly cheap.  It is more than likely you.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

 

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

 

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.


Determined David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

Having fun gives me prickly heat.

 

I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

 

I have to jog my memory.

 

My palm reader advised against it.

 

My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

 

My mother taught me about WEATHER.    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

 

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .    "Stop acting like your father!"

 

My mother taught me about ENVY.    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

 

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  The streets of Absurdia are like a washboard, the school system has failed well over 50% of its students, everyone who can has moved out and its major cash inflow is from people that don’t live there – has bought the Senator Theater.  Historically speaking, they should have bought the Two O’clock Club.  And the governor of Absurdistan continues to nickel and dime its inhabitants by DOUBLING tolls throughout his principality.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.


Return to the Friday's Musings main page 

 

Return to the A-1 Associates main page