June 10, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates?   The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!

 

President Obama's top economic adviser, a man named Austan Goolsbee, is stepping down:  He will be replaced by something a little more effective, the Magic 8-Ball.

 

It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star.   When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, “I don’t know.”

 

The resignation of White House counsel Bob Bauer is the result of his participation in the release of Barack Obama's "Certificate of Live Birth," which he fears would not stand up to the scrutiny of any serious investigation by the FBI, Congress or the media.

 

In the month of May, only 83,000 new jobs were added.  Over 1/2 are from McDonalds!  How is that "hope and change thingy" working out for YOU?

 

James Carville, of all people, said there will be civil unrest in the streets over the food prices, unemployment and economic situations..............


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Lindsay Lohan has begun her house arrest and was given an electronic ankle bracelet. Good luck getting that back.

 

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left

 

Al-Qaeda's new leadership on Monday issued a vow of revenge against the West for killing Osama bin Laden. It didn't rattle anyone. This morning police in London found a bomb outside a local mosque but they've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it back inside.

 

Starbucks is quickly becoming a popular place for thieves to steal iPads, laptops, and purses. It's pretty crazy. I mean, can you imagine getting robbed while you're just trying to pay $6 for a cup of coffee?

 

He was a second story man. Nobody ever believed his first story.


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

LIKE THAT'S DIFFERENT FROM ANY OTHER DAY: "Crazed Woman Wearing Pink Undies Nabbed at Waldorf-Astoria with Gun in Pocket, Talking to Herself" -  New York Daily News headline

 

News You Can Use: "How Not to Be a Weiner Online" - FoxNews.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "What Do You Do When Darth Vader Bangs on Your Hotel Door?" - St. Louis Post-Dispatch

 

Puppy Saves Trooper -  Now That Would Be News: "Trooper Saves Trapped Puppy" - Worcester (Mass.) Telegram & Gazette

 

If a Researcher Asks You to Dinner, Say No: "Eating Dirt Can Be Good for the Belly, Researchers Find" - University of Chicago Press Journals press release

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Prospects for Reaching CO2 Benchmark and Curbing Global Warming Grow Dimmer" - Huffington Post


Headlines Rose Bush would like to see……………….

 

Edwards Pleads for Prison Term That Lets Him Out in Time for His 2016 Presidential Bid

 

Rev. Camping Revises End of the World Date for Ohio State Fans to May 29, 2011

 

GOP Voters Seeking Candidate Who Likes Pina Coladas, Getting Caught in the Rain

 

Justin Bieber Believed Hiding in Ottawabad

 

Rapture Preacher: "Uh, Nothing to See Here People. Move Along"


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

If a Realtor is a multi-millionaire, is he still broker?

 

I am going for the younger look. I have appointment with a plastic surgeon today to shorten my attention span.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#46: Guinness Mean Time.   1998: Guinness issued a press release announcing that it had reached an agreement with the Old Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England to be the official beer sponsor of the Observatory's millennium celebration. According to this agreement, Greenwich Mean Time would be renamed Guinness Mean Time until the end of 1999. In addition, where the Observatory traditionally counted seconds in "pips," it would now count them in "pint drips." The Financial Times, not realizing that the release was a joke, declared that Guinness was setting a "brash tone for the millennium." When the Financial Times learned that it had fallen for a joke, it printed a curt retraction, stating that the news it had disclosed "was apparently intended as part of an April 1 spoof."


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

      You may be Irish, if:

 

You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.

 

You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.

 

You're not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

 

There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.

 

You are, or know someone, named Murph.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor".

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Dirty David’s Delicious Excuses………………..

 

I have to stay home and see if I snore.

 

I prefer to remain an enigma.

 

I think you want the OTHER David

 

I have to sit up with a sick ant.

 

I'm trying to cut down.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.   “Just wait until we get home."

 

My mother taught me about RECEIVING .  "You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

My mother taught me ESP.   "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

My mother taught me HUMOR.  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

 

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

 

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

 

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Worth repeating: James Carville, of all people, said there will be civil unrest in the streets over the food prices, unemployment and economic situations.  The cry of the left: There is a sense of exhilaration that comes from facing head-on the real truths of life and saying, "We will never give up. We will never capitulate. It might take a years, but we will find a way to prevail."


But, on the other hand……………..

 

All things in life are temporary.  If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.


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