June 17, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

At the first Republican presidential debate, seven candidates got together to agree on how much they dislike the government they would like to run.

 

President Obama said regarding the economy, "The sky is not falling." The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is fine.

 

“It’s over: UN’s Kyoto Protocol Destined for Scrapheap of History.” So reads the headline on the Climate Depot story disclosing that Japan, Russia, and Canada will not join a second round of carbon cuts under the Kyoto Protocol. The Gorons lose another round!

 

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is predicting that the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means: nothing.

 

Most of Newt Gringrich's campaign staff resigned yesterday. One of those rare instances of the crew leaving a sinking rat.

 

Mitt Romney has announced his candidacy for president. Talk about unyielding, inflexible, resistant to change, black and white. And that’s just his hair.

 

U.S. Congressman Barney Frank admitted that he helped a boyfriend land a job at the government lender Fannie Mae in Washington D.C. It gets more sordid. It turns out that the Greek statues standing in front of the bank are male strippers that Barney met at Chippendale's.

 

California state legislators will not get their paychecks if the state budget is not passed by June 15, so the politicians are asking businesses for an advance on their bribes this month just to be safe


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

A girl could be right when she thinks no man is good enough to marry her. She could also be left

 

A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he's average

 

"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"

 

My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me.

 

I saw a video clip of a report that claims Internet addiction is related to Attention Deficit Disorder. Or something like that, I didn't watch the whole thing


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

INSTANT KARMA: "Man Reportedly Steals Restaurant Tips, Then Is Hit by Bus as He Flees" -  Seattle Times headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Gallup Poll Shows Republicans 2012 Focus on Beating Obama" - DailyCaller.com

 

Shortest Books Ever Written: "Politicians Behaving Well" - The New York Times

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Are There More Weiners in Congress?" - The American Spectator website

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "China Genetically Modifying Cows to Produce Human Breast Milk" - Newscore

 

Other Than That, the Story Was Accurate: "'Gay Girl in Damascus' Turns Out to Be an American Man" - NPR.org

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "No Bodies Found in Texas Home After Psychic Tip" - Associated Press


A SPECIAL EDITION of Hilarious Headlines………….

 

From the New York Post:  Fall on Your Sword, Weiner,  Sexts Show He's the Kink of Queens,  Disgusted Democrats Letting Weiner Shrivel,  NYers: You'll Never be Mayor 'Crotch”   Huma pregnant!  Pop Goes The Weasel,  Weiner's Swan Schlong,  Weiner:  I'll Stick It Out,  Weiner:  I'm Standing Firm,  Trapped Gym Rat,  Obama Beats Weiner

 

From the NY Daily News:   Weiner's Pickle,  Yeah, I'm a Schmuck,  The Twit Tweeted A Teen


Headlines Al K. Seltzer would like to see……………….

 

Gingrich Leaves Campaign Trail for Younger, Prettier Campaign Trail

 

Microsoft Celebrates Eighth Voluntary Use of Bing for Internet Search

 

Michele Bachmann Announces Candidacy; Palin Still Being a Hot Little Tease

 

Report: Hypocritical Poseur Kevorkian Died Naturally Without Any Assistance


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

"I keep changing my hair color, but I'm never satisfied with it." "Why don't you just give up?" "Nope. I'll continue to try dying, or die trying."

 

The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm," said Tom humorlessly.

 

Two cannibals sat down at a table in a cannibal restaurant. The waiter said, "All we have left is a missionary from Prague. You can each pay for half." "Okay," said one of the cannibals, "We'll split the Czech."

 

Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his cooks. "From now on," he decreed, "chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise." To this day his decree is known as Cole's Law.

 

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#47: Internet Spring Cleaning.   1997: An email message spread throughout the world announcing that the internet would be shut down for cleaning for twenty-four hours from March 31 until April 2. This cleaning was said to be necessary to clear out the "electronic flotsam and jetsam" that had accumulated in the network. Dead email and inactive ftp, www, and gopher sites would be purged. The cleaning would be done by "five very powerful Japanese-built multi-lingual Internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the world." During this period, users were warned to disconnect all devices from the internet. The message supposedly originated from the "Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff, Main Branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology." This joke was an updated version of an old joke that used to be told about the phone system. For many years, gullible phone customers had been warned that the phone systems would be cleaned on April Fool's Day. They were cautioned to place plastic bags over the ends of the phone to catch the dust that might be blown out of the phone lines during this period.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

      You are Irish if:

 

If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully.  Then you probably know Sully McMurphy.

 

You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

 

You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget everything but the grudges!

 

"Irish Stew" is a euphemism for "boiled leftovers."

 

All of your losses are alcohol related (loss of virginity, loss of driver's license, loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking!!!


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.  

 

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

 

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

 

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?


Dirty David Goes On Vacation………………..

 

IRELAND   "Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"

 

FRANCE  "Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?"

 

ITALY   "Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?  I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's! "

 

POLAND   "Do you hire foreigners to screw in your light bulbs?"

 

GERMANY   "Is this bratwurst kosher?"


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .   “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

My mother taught me GENETICS.   “You're just like your father."

 

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.  "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

My mother taught me WISDOM.       "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

My mother taught me about JUSTICE .   "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

EGOTIST:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

 

INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  An off-duty Baltimore city police officer shot and killed an unarmed Marine NINE times because he patted the backside of the cop's girlfriend was only convicted of manslaughter!  So goes justice in Absurdia.   And in nearby Montgomery County where most politicians are Democrats and completely dishonest, they have closed down a kids lemonade stand and fined the kid $500 for not having a license.  The profits were to be donated to the children’s pediatric cancer foundation……..


But, on the other hand……………..

 

What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, a spiritually, you will have to change what you think.


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