June 24 2011
Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………
The golf team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.
John Edwards was indicted in Raleigh last week for using presidential campaign money to hide his mistress. He said it was his parents' and grandparents' dream that he run for office. None of them thought that he was smart enough to go into the family business, working in a mill.
Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce.
The difference between baseball and politics is if you're caught stealing in baseball, you're out.
The beautiful star of the TV show "Mad Men," January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, "Why can't I meet women like this?"
Officials still can’t say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That’s money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home.
Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….
"Tuesday was the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family."
Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
When you stand on your head your face gets red so how come your feet aren't red when you're right side up?
Wendy's is selling the Arby's restaurant chain to the company that owns Cinnabon. Or as most Americans put it, "My lunch place is selling my dinner place to my breakfast place."
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..
It Was Dangerous Only When He Was in Office: "Suspicious Package at Rep. Weiner's Office Declared Not Dangerous" - Washington Post website
Question Nobody Is Asking: "Will Dems Give Back Their Weiner Money?" - DailyCaller.com
Out on a Limb: "Littwin: To Put It Bluntly, Libya Isn't Iraq -- Unless it Is" - Denver Post
News You Can Use: "Make Love, Not Time-Limited, Scope-Limited Military Actions" - ABCNews.com
Headlines Chris P. Bacon would like to see……………….
Kim Kardashian to Add Front-Butt
CNN to Debut "Weiner/Spitzer"
"Jackass" Star Dies While Driving. A Regular Car. On a Regular Road.
Romney: Obama Has Failed America by Implementing My Healthcare Plan
John Edwards Shaves Head, Practices Racial Insults for Upcoming Prison Stint
Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………
If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.
A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said, "Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent. Are you from Krakow?" "Yes, I am," replied the surprised man. "It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the well-dressed man. "I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the XYZ Network. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up." Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend. He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point, so he decided to take a shot in the dark. The receptionist answered, and he asked, "Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?" "Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"
UPS has experienced many complaints over the years from people whose articles were damaged in shipment. -Management has decided to take a proactive stance and now requires that any driver or handler who drops a package place a sticker on the package that denotes this. It's a yellow-and-white flower, that they're calling an UPS-i-daisy
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more ! !! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life. The bird maintains a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow, Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole.
Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………
#48: Tasmanian Mock Walrus. 1984: The Orlando Sentinel featured a story about a creature known as the Tasmanian Mock Walrus (or TMW for short) that many people in Florida were supposedly adopting as a pet. The creature was said to be four inches long, resembled a walrus, purred like a cat, and had the temperament of a hamster. What made it such an ideal pet was that it never had to be bathed, it used a litter box, and it ate cockroaches. In fact, a single TMW could entirely rid a house of its cockroach problem. Reportedly, some TMWs had been smuggled in from Tasmania, and there were efforts being made to breed them, but the local pest-control industry was pressuring the government not to allow them into the country, fearing they would put cockroach exterminators out of business. Dozens of people called the paper trying to find out where they could obtain their own TMW. A picture of a Tasmanian Mock Walrus accompanied the article. Skeptics noted that the creature looked surprisingly similar to a Naked Mole Rat.
Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
Dirty David’s Goes On Vacation………………..
Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q.. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….
Things my mother never said
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back"?
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."
"Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan. Our fine city of Absurdia used $1.9 million of Obama's "shovel ready" (chuckle, chuckle) money rehabbing 4 homes in a run down, nevermore to be safely lived in area in Johnson Square. But, never fear. Absurdistan is officially turning out Eco-Socialists. Maryland high school students will now be required to pass green proficiency requirements in order to graduate. Ain’t life GRANDE!
But, on the other hand……………..
A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"
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