July 1, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

It dawned on me that the phrase, "lefty loosey, righty tighty" applies equally well to politics.

 

Whitey Bulger’s brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster.

 

President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.

 

That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner.

 

Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: "Now hiring!" Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate.

 

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have played a round of golf together. Obama gave three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’

 

I'm hoping they find Casey Anthony not guilty. True, it may be a miscarriage of justice, but think how much fun it would be to watch Nancy Grace's head explode.

 

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words, "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

 

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

 

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of "Our Gang" fame has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat. I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer.


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

WHY COPS NEED VACATIONS: "Man Accused of Attacking Woman with Swim Noodle over Watermelon Dispute at Lowdermilk Park" -  Naples (Fla.) Daily News headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Obama Raising Doubts About His Credibility as Commander-in-Chief" - Commentary website

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "How Did Obamacare Get So Screwed Up?" - Washington Post website

 

That's Nothing, You Should Hear What Reporters Say About Voters!: "Poll: Voters Think Reporters Are Biased Liberals" - Yahoo! News

 

He Almost Got Luckey and Survived: "Staff Investigating Death of Man Near Luckey" - Toledo Blade

 

News You Can Use: "Sixteen Ways to Eat a Cicada: The Fine Art of Insect Cuisine" - Time.com

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Plane Arrives Safely at City Airport" - Detroit News


Headlines Andy Friese would like to see……………….

 

"Harry Potter" Readers Flock to New Website to Further Delay Maturation Process

 

Obama Takes Money From Wealthy Yet Again With $36K-a-Plate Fundraiser

 

Investigators Have Just One More Question About Peter Falk's Death, If You Don't Mind

 

Report: Godzilla, Mothra Sitting it Out Until They Get Those Nuclear Reactors Under Control


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 

Rosemary was always late delivering packages. This prompted the head of International Herbs & Spices to call her supervisor, demanding to speak to the parcel sage about Rosemary and time.

 

I was visiting my wife in hospital because she has a wounded leg. The doctor said, "Can you describe what happened please." I said, "Well, she got shot." He said, "You'll have to be more accurate." I said, "I know, but I'm not very experienced with guns."

 

The New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, 'I Can't Believe It's not Butter'. Their theme song will be 'When the Saints Go Margarine.'

 

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#49: Don’t Disturb the Squirrels.   1993: Westdeutsche Rundfunk, a German radio station, announced that officials in Cologne had just passed an unusual new city regulation.  Joggers going through the park would be required to pace themselves to go no faster than six mph. Any faster, it was felt, would unnecessarily disturb the squirrels who were in the middle of their mating season.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

He left for a vacation at his lodge, taking his favorite two great dames with him.

 

Rev. Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish plastered.

 

His left thumb, which was shot away, is doing nicely.

 

We've got fifty yankettes married into English nobility right now. Some of them are duchesses. Some are countesses. Eleven are baronesses. Only one is a lady.

 

Babies may now be baptized at both ends.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

The differences between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.


Dirty David Goes On Vacation………………..

 

For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

 

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

 

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

 

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

 

When the going gets tough, upgrade.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

      Things Jim’s mother never said:

 

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

 

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

 

"I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

 

"Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

In instructions for assembling an Ikea desk: It is advisory to be two people during assembly.

 

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

 

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions.  Use like regular soap.

 

On a pair of lambskin gloves: No lambs were killed in the making of these gloves.

 

On a New Zealand insect spray: This product not tested on animals.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  The politically connected woman who was in charge as the school system of Absurdia slipped from first to 17th in the WORLD retired amid much hoopla and honors.  To bad the schools system didn’t win ANY honors..  In her wake, administrators and/or teachers from another eight city schools were found to be cheating on achievement tests.  (That’s 11 schools in two weeks!)


But, on the other hand……………..

 

When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.


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