July 15, 2911

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets.

 

"Former President George W. Bush is going to India tomorrow to give a speech. The speech will be entitled, 'Which of You Snake-Charmers Is Gonna Fix My Computer?'"

 

One in three of President Obama's 454 aides make more than $100,000 per year. Mostly because shoveling the President's B.S. has required a lot of overtime. 

 

What do you get when you offer a liberal a penny for his thoughts? Change.

 

According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Schools in Illinois are dropping writing portions from standardized tests. When asked why, a spokesman said, “We simple does not needs them.”

 

If it weren't for mood swings I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

 

An escaped baboon was finally captured in NJ. Captured alive, I hope. I wouldn't be caught dead in New Jersey

 

The young girl put lipstick on her head. She was trying to make up her mind.

 

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

This is National July Belongs to Blueberries Month

 

This is National Hermit Week

 

July 17 is . . . . .Stewarts Root Beer Day

 

July 17 is . . . . .National Peach Ice Cream Day

 

July 17 is . . . . .Yellow Pig Day

 

July 18 is . . . . .National Caviar Day

 

July 18 is . . . . .International Panic Day 

 

July 19 is . . . . . Flitch Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . National Get Out of the Doghouse Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . Teddy Kennedy drowned Mary Jo Kopekne Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . World Sauntering Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . Cow Appreciation Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . Shark Awareness Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . National Raspberry Cake Day

 

July 20 is . . . . . Ugly Truck Contest Day

 

July 20 is . . . . . Take Your Dog To Work Day

 

July 20 is . . . . . Toad Hollow Day of Thank You

 

July 21 is . . . . . National Junk Food Day

 

June 21 is . . . . . Cuckoo Warning Day  

 

July 21 is . . . . . National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day

 

July 22 is . . . . . Rat catcher's Day

 

July 23 is . . . . . Hot Enough For Ya Day

 

July 23 is . . . . . Let It Go Day

 

July 23 is . . . . . Monica Lewinski's Birthday

 

July 23 is . . . . . National Vanilla Ice Cream Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

OR, PERHAPS, 10 TOO FEW: Pasco Man Arrested at Hudson Beach, Says 48 Beers Was Likely 10 Too Many" -  St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Obama Really Might Have Made It Worse" - Reuters

 

Coming This Fall on the Discovery Channel: 'Dreary Jobs': "Obama Asks Congress for Help on Dreary Jobs Front" - NationalJournal.com

 

That's Racist: "Mello Yello Returns to Japan" - JapanToday.com

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Hot Women Don't Want to Pay for Dinner" - CNBC.com

 

He Was Just Trying to Put a Little Spark Back Into the Marriage: "Jilted Husband Built Electric Chair in Garage in Attempt to Kill Wife"  -Daily Telegraph (London)

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Why Does Dominique Strauss-Kahn Have White Hair and Black Eyebrows?" - Slate.com

 

Answer to Questions Nobody Is Asking: "What Obama Wants" - The New York Times


Headlines Bill Board would like to see……………….

 

Satan Preparing New Casey Anthony Model Ass-Pitchfork

 

Derek Jeter Annoys 3 Millionth Non-Yankees Fan

 

Unemployment Numbers Fall as Jobs Open Up in Syrian Embassies

 

Rich People Should Be Allowed to Get Richer Even More Easily, Extremely Well-Funded Study Concludes

 

Headline of the week: Take extra precautions with elderly in heat.


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

I once got my hair colored by a guy in Reno, just to watch him dye.

 

It has just come to light that residents who live near the Indianapolis Speedway, home of the Indy 500 auto race, plan to file a suit over foul-smelling exhaust fumes from the track. They are seeking damages for Indy scent exposure.

Part-time bandleaders should be called 'semi-conductors'.

 

I don't like hanging out at the pancake house, that place gives me the crepes!

 

A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do.

 

In order to show a profit, the floundering gourmet seafood restaurant was allowed to cook its books since there is no accounting for taste.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#51: British Weather Machine.   1981: The Guardian reported that scientists at Britain's research labs in Pershore had "developed a machine to control the weather." The article, titled "Britain Rules the Skies," explained that "Britain will gain the immediate benefit of long summers, with rainfall only at night, and the Continent will have whatever Pershore decides to send it." Readers were also assured that Pershore scientists would make sure that it snowed every Christmas in Britain. Accompanying the article was a picture of a scruffy-looking scientists surrounded by scientific equipment. The picture was captioned, "Dr. Chisholm-Downright expresses quiet satisfaction as a computer printout announced sunshine in Pershore and a forthcoming blizzard over Marseilles."


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Hawaii:  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your  Money)

 

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...  Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real  Good

 

Illinois:  Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

 

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

 

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

 

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 


Dodgy David Goes On Vacation………………..

 

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

 

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

 

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

 

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

 

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

Albert Einstein was  offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

  

Astronauts can't belch -  there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their  stomachs.

  

Ancient Roman, Chinese  and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

    

The Mona Lisa has no  eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them  off!

  

Because of the speed at  which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse  to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

 

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning--may cause drowsiness.

 

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning--keep out of children.

 

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

 

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning--contains nuts.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  This weekend is one of Absurdia’s attempts to remain relevant and offers Artscape for your consideration.  It may be worth your time to take a look and have a bite of some local food offerings. (If you don’t get mugged or shot while you are there!)


But, on the other hand……………..

 

There is no better time than right now to be happy.


 

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