July 22, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don’t think this is what the Republicans meant by “closing our borders.”

 

It’s been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill.

 

Anyone with an Obama 2012 Bumper Sticker is a Threat to the Gene Pool

 

It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling.

 

President Obama said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn’t turn 50 until Aug. 4. This means that even he hasn’t seen his birth certificate.

 

President Obama told CBS that government checks may not be sent out in August if the GOP doesn't yield. The president's threat to withhold government checks is a never-before-tried maneuver in politics called firing everybody who supports you.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

I read that one should put a cup of liquid in the cavity of a turkey when roasting it. The turkey tasted great, but the plastic cup melted.

 

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

 

"I am filled with humidity"

 

A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he's average.

 

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?"


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

This is National "Doghouse Repairs" Month

 

This is National Cheese Week

 

July 24 is . . . . . Virtual Love Day

 

July 24 is . . . . . National Columnists Day

 

June 25 is . . . . .Log Cabin Day

 

June 25 is . . . . .First Bikini shown in Paris show in 1946

 

July 25 is . . . . .Threading The Needle Day

 

July 26 is . . . . .All Or Nothing Day

 

July 26 is . . . . .Aunt & Uncle Day

 

July 26 is . . . . .Black Eyed Peas Day in Athens Texas

 

July 26 is . . . . .All-American Soap Box Derby Day

 

July 27 is . . . . .Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day

 

July 27 is . . . . .Take Your Pants For A Walk Day

 

July 28 is . . . . .National Milk Chocolate Day

 

July 28 is . . . . ."The Hustle" hits #1 on the hit parade

 

July 28 is . . . . .National Drive-Thru Day

 

July 28 is . . . . .National Celebrate Your Marriage Day

 

July 28 is . . . . .Log Cabin Day

 

July 28 is . . . . .Louis Lassing invents the hamburger in CT

 

July 29 is . . . . National Rain Day in Waynesburg PA

 

July 29 is . . . . .Garlic Festival in Gilroy, California

 

July 29 is . . . . .National Lasagna Day

 

July 29 is . . . . .Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day

 

July 30 is . . . . .National Cheesecake Day

 

July 30 is . . . . .Mutt's Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

WELL, YEAH: "Florida Highway Patrol: Man Run over after Lying in Front of Car" -  Orlando Sentinel headline

 

EASY DOES IT: "Jewel Gang Caught after Getaway Driver Refuses to Break Speed Limit" -  London Telegraph headline

 

So That's Where the Jobs Are: "Pelosi: Obama Has More Patience Than Biblical Job" - CNSNews.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Is Obama Playing Politics With His Debt-Limit Veto Threat?" - Time.com

 

A Novel Strategy: "Rudy Giuliani: If I Run Again, 'I'll Try to Win'" - Los Angeles Times

 

TSA Agent Who Groped Woman's Breast Put in Jail - Now That Would Be News: "Woman Who Groped TSA Agent's Breast Let Out of Jail" - WNYW-TV website (New York)

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Obama, US Viewed Less Favorably in Arab World, Poll Shows" - Boston Globe website


Headlines Bud Wieser would like to see……………….

 

News Corp Exec Rebekah Brooks Uses Only Post-Arrest Phone Call to Hack Into Casey Anthony's Cell Phone

 

Joe Biden Launches "Get Off My Lawn!" Facebook Button

 

Duct Tape Makers Insist It Has Uses Beyond Gruesome Murder Tool

 

Octomom: I Love My Kids, Insofar as I Wish to God I'd Never Had Any of Them

 

Bear Mauls Man in Yellowstone, Absconds With Pic-a-Nic Basket


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.

 

Would a fortune teller who only sees the good things in your future be an optimystic?

 

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

 

The fine on a ticket for hitchhiking is a thumb tax.

 

Every calendar's days are numbered.

 

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#52: Smellovision.   In 1965 BBC TV featured an interview with a professor who had just invented a device called "smellovision." This miraculous technology allowed viewers to experience directly in their own home aromas produced in the television studio. The professor offered a demonstration by cutting some onions and brewing coffee. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they distinctly experienced these scents as if they were there in the studio with him. Since no aromas were being transmitted, whatever these viewers thought they smelled coming out of their TV sets must be chalked up to the power of suggestion.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

 

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

 

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

 

Maine: We're Real Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

 

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?

 

Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?

 

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

 

Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays?

 

How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with all of our hearts that we could?


Dirty David’s Goes To Washington………………..

 

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

 

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

 

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

 

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The President does.

 

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations.. The House of Representatives does.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

The night of January 20  is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman  dreams of her future husband.

     

Google is actually the  common name for a number with a million zeros

  

It takes glass one  million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be  recycled an infinite amount of times!

 

Gold is the only metal  that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of  years

  

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one  end


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions--open packet, eat nuts.

 

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

 

On a hair coloring kit: Do not use as an ice cream topping.

 

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

 

On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Otis Rolley, running for mayor of Absurdia is proposing a $1.00 bullet tax to cut down on crime!   So if you get shot on your visit to the Inner Harbor just be relieved that at the cost of bullets, you may only be shot one time.  Just so typical of the mindset of the pols that represent us in BOTH parties.

debt ceiling.png


But, on the other hand……………..

 

WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.


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