July 29, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Jeb Bush might run for president. Bush presidencies are like “Caddyshack” movies.  They should have stopped at one.

 

According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing.  That will change once they graduate and try to find a job.

 

We are just days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare.    So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah.    Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.

 

The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi's government is still working.

 

If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Satan is modeling a creation made entirely from last week’s major newspapers.  So it's true "The Devil Wears Pravda!"

 

Glue can't fix a broken heart, but maybe if you sniff enough of it, you'll forget you ever met her

 

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

 

Fifty Yankee woman are married into English nobility right now. Some of them are duchesses. Some are countesses. Eleven are baronesses. Only one is a lady.

 

"Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re going to want to shoot it."


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

August is National Goofy Golf Month

 

This is National Psychic Week – Didn’t see that coming, did you!

 

August 1 is...National Raspberry Cream Pie Day  

 

August 1 is...Braham Pie Day

 

August 1 is...Hug A Senior Days

 

August 1 is...Rounds Resounding Day

 

August 1 is...Friendship Day

 

August 2 is...National Ice Cream Sandwich Day

 

August 2 is...National Mustard Day

 

August 3 is...National Watermelon Day  

 

August 4 is...Twins Day Festival

  

August 5 is...National Mustard Day

 

August 6 is...Wiggle Your Toes Day  


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

BOY, IS HE STRICT: "Boynton Landlord Sets Man on Fire over Late Rent, Police Say" -- South Florida Sun-Sentinel headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Obama Says Election Assessment of His Leadership" - Associated Press

 

Have They Checked the Golf Course?: "Cal State East Bay Loses President" - Oakland Tribune

 

Shortest Books Ever Written: "The Unbelievable Brilliance of Barack Obama" - Irish Examiner USA

 

Could It Be ... Communism?: "What's Behind China's Hard Line Against Catholics?" - Religious News Service

 

He Looks Black on Fox: "Juan Williams on NPR: Elitist and White" - Politico.com

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Muslims, Non-Muslims Still Dislike Each Other" - Associated Press


Headlines Luke Warm would like to see……………….

 

Shuttle Era Ends, Stranding Billions on Planet With Cast of "Jersey Shore"

 

Study: Thousands of Accidents Daily Caused by Failure of Invisible Passenger-Side Mom Brakes

 

Study: Drivers of $50K 4-Wheel Drive Luxury SUVs Can Safely Take Parking Lot Speed Bumps at Greater Than 2 MPH

 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

 

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..

 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#53: Thomas Edison Invents Food Machine.    1878: After Thomas Edison invented the phonograph in 1877, Americans firmly believed that there were no limits to his genius. Therefore, when the New York Graphic announced in 1878 that Edison had invented a machine that could transform soil directly into cereal and water directly into wine, thereby ending the problem of world hunger, it found no shortage of willing believers.   Newspapers throughout America copied the article, heaping lavish praise on Edison. The conservative Buffalo Commercial Advertiser was particularly effusive in its praise, waxing eloquent about Edison's brilliance in a long editorial. The Graphic took the liberty of reprinting the Advertiser's editorial in full, placing above it a simple, two-word headline: "They Bite!"


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Maryland: We tax your dreams

 

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

 

Michigan: First Line Of Defense - From The Canadians

 

Minnesota: 10,000  Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000  Mosquitoes

 

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly

 

 I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

        

Follow your dreams!  Except that one where you're naked in church.

 

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


Dirty David’s Goes On Vacation………………..

 

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

 

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves.

 

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing the boss' butt rather than working hard.

 

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

 

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

If you stop getting  thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body  is dehydrated,  its thirst  mechanism shuts  off.

  

Each year 2,000,000  smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

     

Zero is the only number  that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

  

Kites were used in the  American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

  

The song, Auld Lang  Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking  country in the world to bring in the new year.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

 

On a bottle of Chinese medicine: Expiration date, two years.

 

On a rearview mirror: Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

 

On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (And that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

 

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.  (the shoplifter special)


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Absurdistan’s Governor, Martin O'Malley says the Republicans are deliberately hurting the U. S. economy to undermine President Obama's re-election chances. But O'Malley says he has no idea why President Obama is deliberately hurting the U. S. economy.

 

Absurdia’s Fire Academy is losing accreditation for cheating and mismanagement! First the school system, now the fire academy Everything Democratic in Absurdia seems to be falling apart.  Why are the rest of us funding this Titanic?


But, on the other hand……………..

 

"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment."


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