8/5/2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Barack Obama's said he isn't hiring a clown for his birthday party, but Joe Biden plans to attend any way.

 

A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term.

 

"Lunch bucket" Joe Biden, the working man's friend, charges the US Secret Service $2,200/month to rent a gate house on his property in Delaware to protect him. He claimed earnings of  $379,178 last year.

 

After the debt vote, Sen. Chuck Schumer said it’s time for jobs to move to the front burner. They’re only worried about our jobs when they’re about to lose their jobs.

 

The unemployment rate in Mexico is so low that illegal immigrants are sneaking back into Mexico. Obama has solved the illegal immigration problem.

 

If Communism was such a big success, they'd have put up a picture window instead of an iron curtain.

 

The wife of a Southern California man called 911 when her husband used a butter knife to perform hernia surgery on himself. He's the new poster-boy for the Obama health care plan.

 

GE CEO Jeff Immelt remains the head of President Obama's jobs commission, even as his company announced it is about to ship more jobs to China. Americans will still be okay with Immelt as long as one of those of the things he outsources is MSNBC.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."

 

You know, someone should introduce that woman from "Killing Me Softly," who thinks the guy is singing about her, to that guy from "You're So Vain."

 

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years - It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

Thanks for the Soda, Pop!   Ham radio combines two of my favorite things.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

August is National Golf Month

 

This is National Elvis Week

 

August 7 is...Sea Serpent Day  

 

August 8 is...Sneak Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night  

 

August 8 is...Admit You're Happy Day

 

August 8 is...Kool-Aid Day

 

August 8 is...Work Like A Dog Day

 

August 9 is...National Garage Sale Day

 

August 9 is...National Polka Festival Day

 

August 9 is...The Revolving Door Day

 

August 9 is...Veep Day

 

August 9 is...National Polka Festival

 

August 10 is...Lazy Day 

 

August 10 is...National Clean Underwear Day

 

August 10 is...National Duran Duran Appreciation Day

 

August 10 is...Spoil Your Dog Day

 

August 11 is...Presidential Joke Day

 

August 12 is...Middle Child's Day

  

August 13 is...Blame Someone Else Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

BUT DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN: "Man Dead Five Years Won't Be Charged in Skipping Jury Duty" -  North Andover (Mass.) Eagle Tribune headline

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Is Michelle Obama Trying to Kill Me?" - PajamasMedia.com

 

Now He Wants a Rematch With the Rabbit: "Pres. Carter Sees Guinea Worm Stopped After 23-Yr. Fight" -  Atlanta Business Chronicle

 

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer: "Glendale Man Attempts Self-Surgery With Butter Knife" - Associated Press

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "McDonald's to Make Happy Meals More Healthful" - Los Angeles Times

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Obama Polling Better Than Nixon" - Washington Examiner website

 

We Blame Global Warming: "As Storm Nears and Temps Rise, Obama Hits Golf Course AGAIN!" - TheHill.com

 

Police Suspect Fowl Play: "Man Arrested With Chicken in His Pants" - Atlanta Business Chronicle


Headlines Rod N. Reel would like to see……………….

 

Greece Promises to Get a Job, Move Out of Parents' Basement, Really Means It This Time

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya think? 

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! 

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy!   


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

The famous American statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

 

When I was a child, my duties in the church included helping to shorten or lengthen the holy robes. I was an alter boy.

 

The bass player in one of our local bands got fired because he got into treble.

 

If a fish market sells fish, then what do you buy at a flea market?

 

My cat got stolen. I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#54: Washing the Lions at the Tower of London.   1860: Numerous people throughout London received the following invitation: "Tower of London—Admit Bearer and Friend to view annual ceremony of Washing the White Lions on Sunday, April 1, 1860.  Admittance only at White Gate. It is particularly requested that no gratuities be given to wardens or attendants."  By twelve o'clock on April 1 a large crowd had reportedly gathered outside the tower.    But of course, lions hadn't been kept in the tower for centuries, particularly not white lions.  Therefore the crowd eventually snuck away disappointed.  This prank had a very long pedigree.  It had often been perpetrated (on a smaller scale) on unsuspecting out-of-towners, and an instance of it is recorded from as far back as 1698.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

 

Montana:  Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

 

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto  Contest

 

Nevada: Hookers and  Poker!

 

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us  Alone


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

 

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

 

I am a Nobody.  Nobody is Perfect.  Therefore I am Perfect.

 

I'm not your type.  I'm not inflatable.

 

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


Dangerous David’s Goes On Vacation………………..

 

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

 

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

 

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

 

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

 

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61  percent

  

Peanut oil is used for  cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above  450°F

     

The roar that we hear  when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the

Ocean, but rather  the sound of blood surging through the veins in the  ear.

  

Nine out of every 10  living things live in the ocean


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."   (and that would be how???....)

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."  (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Absurdistan has passed a law requiring all high schools to add 'Environmental Literacy' to their requirements to graduate.  Now they don't mean graduates must be versed in the complexities of climate change, air pollution and toxic waste . They must just be able to name the city their school is in.

 

The southwest drought is leaving 1.5 Million bats around Austin hungry. The only bats more affected by a dry spell are the ones in Absurdia suffering through another Orioles hitting drought……………


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Singing has always seemed to me the most perfect means of expression. It is so spontaneous. And after singing, I think the violin. Since I cannot sing or play the violin, I swear a lot!


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