8/12/11

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Obama turned 50 and the country turned gray!

 

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England and Greece un-friended us on Facebook."

 

"Blame the Tea Party? Geez, no wonder [John] Kerry did so well in an election. If it wasn't for the Tea Party, they would have passed the debt ceiling thumbs up, we would have been rated BBB."

 

"Obama sympathy cards are at the printer's: 'You'll always be AAA-rated to me, America.'"

 

"On Thursday, in honor of Barack Obama's 50th birthday, the Dow dropped 10 points for every year he has walked among us. We should be relieved he wasn't turning 80."


The 2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity.

 

Bill Clinton endorsed New York's same-sex marriage law on Monday although he opposed same-sex marriage when he was president. Gay groups won't accuse him of inconsistency because, to be fair, Bill Clinton opposed his own marriage when he was president.

 

Vice-President Joe Biden called members of the Tea Party 'terrorists'. In retaliation, members of the Tea Party called the Vice-President,'A Joe Biden'!

 

They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not "economic disaster?"

 

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn’t breathe. Doctors said the condition is called “living in New Jersey

 

Former New York Gov. George Pataki says he is the only one who can beat Pres. Obama in 2012. For proof he cites recent polls that revealed only candidates whose names were not recognized by those polled could defeat the current president.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of America's Senators and Congressmen.   It will be named the “Politician” It doesn't work and -- you can't fire it.

 

The therapist told my wife to put some magic in our marriage, so she disappeared!

 

Big riots in the United Kingdom. You can tell it’s England because they’re rioting on the other side of the street.

 

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

 

The guitar is a stringed instrument that frequently comes unstrung. I know people like that, too.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

August is National Get Acquainted with Zespri New Zealand Kiwi National Fruit Month

 

This is Weird Contest Week

 

August 14 is...National Creamsicle Day

 

August 15 is...National Relaxation Day

 

August 15 is...National Failures Day  

 

August 16 is...Bratwurst Festival Day

 

August 16 is...Joe Miller's Joke Day

 

August 16 is...Sandcastle & Sculpture Day

 

August 16 is...Vinegar Day

 

August 15 is...Watermelon Day

 

August 17 is...National Thriftshop Day

 

August 18 is...Bad Poetry Day 

 

August 18 is...Pez Day

 

August 19 is...Potato Day

 

August 20 is...National Radio Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

SEE HOW DANGEROUS PIT BULLS ARE? "Police Officer Shoots Pit Bull, Bullet Hits Man" -  WFTV-TV (Florida) headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Obama Bid to Boost Confidence Falls Short" - The Wall Street Journal

 

Answer to Question Nobody Is Asking: "Why Obama Should Be Re-Elected" - PajamasMedia.com

 

Breaking News From 2013: "Carney: Obama Was the Leader" - Politico.com

 

In This Economy, Wouldn't You?: "Geithner Says He Will Stay at Treasury" - Associated Press

 

Investment Tip: Buy Wheelbarrows: "No Chance of Default, US Can Print Money: Greenspan" - CNBC.com

 

Longest Books Ever Written: "The Dumbest Thing Said in Washington Today" - PowerLineBlog.com

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Why Do Russians Hate Ice?" - New York Times website

 

We Blame George W. Bush: "Who's to Blame for Anorexic Kindergartners?" - San Francisco Chronicle website

 

"Funeral Business Launchs Campaign To Boost Repeat Business." The Columbian

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Obama Partisans Ignore Facts When Blaming Bush" - Washington Examiner


Headlines Ferris Wheeler would like to see……………….

 

Headline: Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung.

   

Headline of the week: "Take extra precautions with elderly in heat".

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death  No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   See if that works any better than a fair trial! 

 

War Dims Hope for Peace   I can see where it might have that effect! 


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

There's a new German website where Catholics can rate their priest. This will make it even harder to fool some of the papal all of the time.

 

The pay for executives at Smuckers fell in 2011. Apparently the company has found itself in a bit of a jam.

 

My doctor said, "Diet," so I changed my hair color.

 

Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!" And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

 

The bear went over the mountain to see what was bruin.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#55: FatSox 2000: The British Daily Mail announced that Esporta Health Clubs had launched a new line of socks designed to help people lose weight. Dubbed "FatSox," these revolutionary socks could actually suck body fat out of sweating feet. The invention promised to "banish fat for ever." The socks employed a patented nylon polymer called FloraAstraTetrazine that had been "previously only applied in the nutrition industry." The American inventor of this polymer was Professor Frank Ellis Elgood. The socks supposedly worked in the following way: as a person's body heat rose and their blood vessels dilated, the socks drew "excess lipid from the body through the sweat." After having sweated out the fat, the wearer could then simply remove the socks and wash them, and the fat, away.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

New Jersey: You Want A #&*$%  Motto?  I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

 

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent  pets

 

New York: You Have The Right To  Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

 

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

 

North Dakota: We Really Are One  Of The 50 States!


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE.  Sometimes I even put it in the food.

 

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

 

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

 

Red meat is not bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

 

I am having an out-of-money experience.


Dangerous David Goes On Vacation………………..

 

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nichol show or the Bachelor is a prime example.

 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

 

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

 

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located).


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

The banana cannot  reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man

  

Airports at higher  altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density

   

The University of Alaska  spans four time zones

  

The tooth is the only  part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

  

In ancient Greece,  tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of Marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."  (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."  (and...I'm taking this because???....)

 

On most brands of Christmas lights:  "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Absurdistan is where you came for the crime and the sexually transmitted diseases but stayed for the seafood.   It's graduation day at the elementary school in Absurdia, and everybody's waiting to get their diplomas. Everybody but Johnny. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Johnny graduate, let Johnny graduate!"  The principal agrees to give Johnny one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Johnny, how many apples do I have?" he asked.  Johnny thought long and hard and then said "Ten."  Hearing the answer the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Johnny another chance, give Johnny another chance!"


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end.” 


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