8/19/2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

President Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter.

 

A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year.  Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it

 

"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand." - Milton Friedman

 

To quote the wisdom of Al "All-American" Gore.  "Who are these people?" (To a tour guide at Monticello after seeing busts of George Washington and Ben Franklin.)

 

The Democrats are opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer them the position.


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

California State lawmakers will vote on a veritable mountain of proposed legislation, including a law to ban flat bed sheets in hotels.  I can't make this stuff up!

 

Americans had to work a full 224 days into 2011 to pay for local, state and federal government spending and regulations...

 

White House Ramadan Dinner: OBAMA HONORED THE SACRIFICES THAT MUSLIM AMERICANS MADE ON 911 and not a word about the Christian & Jews!

 

Obama Ignores Grieving Families' Wishes, Releases Photo with Dead Soldiers in Delaware.

 

A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow.  Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.

 

A new study found that a chemical in your body can actually make you a bad dancer. It's called 'vodka.

 

The self help group for compulsive talkers is called On & On Anon.

 

The movie "Cowboys & Aliens" came out today! Yeah, "Cowboys & Aliens." We call that, "Arizona."

 

Sometimes I stay awake at night, afraid I'm going to get insomnia.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

National Win With Civility Month but only in Howard County

 

This is Weird Contest Week

 

August 21 is...Poets Day

 

August 21 is...Be An Angel Day

 

August 21 is...National Spumoni Day

 

August 22 is...Makah Days

 

August 23 is...National Spongecake Day

 

August 24 is...Knife Day

 

August 25 is...Kiss-And-Make-Up Day  

 

August 26 is...National Cherry Popsicle Day

 

August 26 is...Women's Equality Day

 

August 27 is..."The Duchess" Who Wasn't Day

 

August 27 is...Petroleum Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

REVENGE OF THE TREES: "South Kitsap Man Dies While Removing Stumps with Truck" -- Kitsap (Wash.) Sun headline

 

So Much for the War on Drugs: "Student Groups Take Hit" - Kaimin (University of Montana)

 

We'll Drink to That!: "Bottoms Up Antarctic Ice Growth Discovered" - Associated Press

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Has Anyone Seen Jimmy Carter Lately?" --Reason.com

 

Redundant Stories of the Day: "Saudi Arabia: Demonstrations Won't Be Tolerated" --Associated Press


Headlines Anna Graham would like to see……………….

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile     Ya think?! 

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.  Who would have thought! 

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    They may be on to something! 

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.  You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

Did you hear about the Arab baker?   Every morning at 6:00 a.m. he'd bow to the yeast.

 

The only way we can really know whether "an eye for an eye" is an effective policy is to do a double-blind study.

 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

A doctor who fell on his funny bone had a nurse tell him it was a humerus incident.

 

I don't like hanging out at the pancake house, that place gives me the crepes!

 

Show me an administrative assistant who can't make coffee, and I'll show you an employee with grounds for removal.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#56: IPO for F/rite Air.    By April 2000 the dot.com bubble was rapidly deflating. This didn't deter hundreds of Dutch investors from lining up to buy shares in F/rite Air, which was being billed as a hot new technology company backed by supporters such as Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and George Soros. The announcement about the company's IPO was posted on iex.nl, a financial web site for Dutch investors. It was reported that shares in the IPO could be reserved for $18 each by email, although it was said that analysts anticipated the stock soaring to above $80 on the first day of its filing. The company seemed like a sure thing, and almost immediately orders worth over $7 million flooded in. The orders didn't stop coming in even after the newspapers had revealed the IPO to be an April Fool's Day joke. F/rite air was a pun for 'Fried air' (i.e. Hot Air).


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Ohio: At Least We're Not  Michigan

 

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No  Singing

 

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's  For Dinner

 

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

 

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

Was learning cursive really necessary?


Dirty David’s Goes On Vacation………………..

 

GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that is exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

 

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

 

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

 

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitious flatulence while passing thru a cube farm, or any other public place, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (this often leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).

 

And lest we forget: ANAL GLAUCOMA: Used as an excuse for not showing up for work.  Translation "I just couldn't see my a** coming in to work today."


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

Warner Communications  paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

  

Intelligent people have  more zinc and copper in their hair.   

 

A comet's tail always  points away from the sun

  

The Swine Flu vaccine in  1976 caused more death and illness than the disease It was intended to  prevent

  

Caffeine increases the  power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it Is found in some  medicines.

  

The military salute is a  motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights In armor raised  their visors to reveal their identity.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

On a Japanese food processor, "Not to be used for the other use."  (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

 

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."  (talk about a news flash)

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat

nuts."  (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

 

On a child's superman costume:"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."  (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

 

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or

genitals."  (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where we are getting into auto racing.  NASCAR driver Chris Lafferty announced Thursday his racecar will endorse the Tea Party in the NASCAR races this season. It's in the glorious Southern tradition of defiance against the federal government. As long as the whitewall tires are stocked alongside the blackwall tires in the driver's pit, there's nothing the federal government can do about it.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

 


 

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