8/26/2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen


Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".

 

Celebrity Research conducted a poll on Thursday finding that Casey Anthony is the most hated person in America. She was followed by Octomom and O. J. Simpson. To the eternal frustration of Democrats, Americans continue to be mad at people with no money.

 

Mexico's government reported the number of people leaving Mexico for the U. S. is down to practically zero. There are no jobs for them. President Obama will go down in history as the man who solved the illegal immigration problem without building a fence.

 

The White House sent Lunch Bucket Joe Biden to China. So now we owe them a trillion dollars and an apology.

 

President Obama had a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

Look For The Union Fable

 

The Secret Service received special training for the Midwestern bus tour. They have to learn how to change a tire now that we've lost our AAA.

 

Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's "not dead yet." Then he was invited on "Dancing With the Stars," and he said, "OK, now I'm dead."

 

Rep. Michele Bachmann proposed a new program to prepare America for the coming Rapture, called No Christian Left Behind.

 

President Obama was touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Did you see CNN's Anderson Cooper giggling over the Gerard Depardieu plane-peeing story? He squeaked, giggled and cried. Well, that ought to end all the gay rumors.

 

The Borders book store chain is closing the rest of their stores. Now Doctors Without Borders really is without.

 

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

 

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

 

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions.

 

Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

August is Foot Health Month

                But

September is... National Chicken Month 

 

This is National Waffle Week

 

August 28 is...World Sauntering Day 

 

August 28 is...Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day

 

August 29 is...More Herbs, Less Salt Day

 

August 29 is...Banana Split Day invented- Latrobe PA 1904

 

August 30 is...National Toasted Marshmallow Day 

 

August 31 is...National Trail Mix Day  

 

August 31 is...Love Litigating Lawyers Day

 

September 1 is... Emma M. Nutt Day  

 

September 2 is... National Beheading Day  

 

September 2 is...Another Look Unlimited Day

 

September 2 is...Bison-Ten-Yell (Bicentennial?) Day

 

September 3 is...Skyscraper Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

OK, WHO SQUAWKED TO THE COPS? "Police: Man Shoved Blind Woman, Stole Her Parrot" -  WKMG-TV (Orlando, Fla.) headline

 

Breaking News From 2008: "Narcissists Rise to the Top Because People Mistake Their Confidence and Authority for Leadership Qualities" - Daily Mail (London)

 

Out on a Limb: "Obama Bus Tour Has Campaign Overtones" - USA Today website

 

Amazing Advances in Nanotechnology: "Keith Olbermann's Current TV Ratings Drop to New Low" - TheWrap.com

 

Because Sinatra Didn't Have a French Accent: "Why Frogs Don't Sing Like Sinatra" - The Wall Street Journal

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "President Obama: I Will Introduce Specific Plan in September to Boost Economy -  and If Congress Doesn't Act, We'll Run Against Them" - ABCNews.com   (Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)


Headlines Dan Druff would like to see……………….

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.  He probably IS the battery charge! 

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   Weren't they fat enough?! 

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   That's what he gets for eating those beans! 

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.  Do they taste like chicken?

 

Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half.  Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please." "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license." To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration." She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'.

 

Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.  One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.  While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#57: Nat Tate.   1998: A lavish party was held at Jeff Koons's New York studio to honor the memory of the late, great American artist Nat Tate, that troubled abstract expressionist who destroyed 99 percent of his own work before leaping to his death from the Staten Island ferry. At the party superstar David Bowie read aloud selections from William Boyd's soon-to-be released biography of Tate, "Nat Tate: An American Artist, 1928-1960." Critics in the crowd murmured appreciative comments about Tate's work as they sipped their drinks. The only catch was that Tate had never existed. He was the satirical creation of William Boyd. Bowie, Boyd, and Boyd's publisher were the only ones in on the joke.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

 

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

 

Tennessee: The Educashun State

 

Texas: Si, Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak  English)

 

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

 

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

 

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

 

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.


Dapper David Goes To Work………………..

 

JAZZ,  Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

 

BLUES,  Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

 

WORLD MUSIC,  Dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

 

OPERA, People singing when they should be talking.

 

RAP.  People talking when they should be singing.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

If you get into the  bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can

see stars, even  in the middle of the day.

  

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight

  

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were  unarmed

 

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside

  

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

 

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

 

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

 

Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

 

Pay off your credit cards every month.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  They know how to grow up 'em in Maryland, as evidenced by their 2008 Miss Outdoors winner. This is not some vapid beauty contest for bubble-headed teenagers. No, Maryland's Miss Outdoors has to display some real talents, like muskrat skinning. 

The key to successful muskrat skinning is a very sharp knife the outgoing Miss Outdoors, Dakota Abbott, said. 17-year-old Dakota, who won the Miss Outdoors title in 2008, earned $100 and a set of muskrat traps by winning the women's junior championship trophy in a muskrat-skinning contest last week-end.  The tradition of Miss Outdoors competitions and muskrat skinning began in 2003 when contestant Tiffany Brittingham donned a sharp knife, along with jewelry and makeup to show off her skinning skills. There is an image for you.  This year's competition even included a contestant who scalded a large chicken before plucking the feathers from the bird.  But once the judges' votes were tallied in this year's Miss Outdoors event, Abbigail Tyler was victorious -- thanks to her singing performance of "Red High Heels."  Emcee Buddy Foxwell had one unusual pageant request for all contestants, "All contestants are reminded to take your carcasses home with you."


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore to this day."  ~Sanskrit proverb


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