September 9, 2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen

 

Here is your federal government at work: The FAA has ordered a helicopter pilot who runs his own one-pilot charter company. It's his company, he's the only pilot. They've ordered him to give himself random surprise drug tests. He has to surprise himself with a drug test.


Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

President Obama’s approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there’s a silver lining.

 

President Obama's half-brother, who runs a foundation that collects funds in the United States, was able to get approval of a tax-exempt status from the Internal Revenue Service in an unheard-of time period of only a month, records reveal.

 

Labor Day is the day that Americans take three days off from looking for work.

 

The football game will be on Thursday night, right after the season finale of President Obama.

 

Our "shining city on the hill" as described by Ronald Reagan has become a slum because of Marxism and it's slightly better dressed sister - Socialism.


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

The Weather Channel says the east coast earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D. C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault

 

The Rev. Pat Robertson said the best way to prepare for Hurricane Irene is not being gay.

 

Hurricane Irene may be the biggest wind to hit Washington since Joe Biden was sworn in as V. P.

 

I understand that a brawl broke out during a Lunch Bucket Joe Biden speech in China recently.    Apparently, someone was blocking the exit.

 

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a law Thursday requiring public schools in California to teach gay history. This will help the economy. It could revive the recreational vehicle industry when Catholic schools are forced to buy enough trailers to hold all of the new students.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

 

If God had meant for man to see the sunrise he would have scheduled it later in the day

 

"A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers, but the ways they die are a lot more embarrassing."

 

If God had meant for man to see the sunrise he would have scheduled it later in the day.

 

Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. Could take a while, though. Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

September is National Southern Gospel Music Month

 

This is Religious Freedom Week

 

September 11 is... No News Is Good News Day  

 

September 12 is...Chocolate Milk Shake Day

 

September 12 is...National Personal Chef Day

 

September 12 is...National Chocolate Milkshake Day

 

September 12 is...Video Games Day

 

September 13 is...Doodle Soup Days

 

September 13 is...Defy Superstition Day

  

September 13 is...Fortune Cookie Day

 

September 14 is...National Cream-filled Donut Day 

 

September 15 is...Make a Hat Day

 

September 15 is...Felt Hat Day

 

September 16 is...Stay Away From Seattle Day

 

September 16 is...Collect Rocks Day

 

September 17 is...Citizenship Day

 

September 17 is...National Apple Dumpling Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

A LUCKY, LUCKY, MAN: "Bigamy Suspect Doesn't Remember Marrying First Wife" -  WPBF-TV (Florida) headline

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Black Leaders Turn Up the Heat on President Obama" - Politico.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Are Members of Congress Paid Enough?" - Yahoo! News

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Swedes Warned Over Looming Butter Shortage" - TheLocal.se

 

Breaking News From Genesis 3:8-13: "Police Search for Missing Apple Prototype" - The Wall Street Journal

 

Out on a Limb: "Obama Plan May Not Be Enough to Fix Jobs Market" - MSNBC.com

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Yet Another (Failed) Obama 'Jobs Plan'" - Forbes.com

 

(Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)


Headlines Kandi Apple would like to see……………….

 

Mock Turtleneck Futures Plummeting Since Jobs' Apple Resignation

 

Capitol Inspectors Find Structural Cracks in Senator Inouye

 

NBC to Skip Fall TV Premieres and Debut Mid-Season Replacements Instead to Save Hassle

 

Director's Commentary on New Adam Sandler DVD Just Sound of Dogs Barking, Owls


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

An attorney specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.

 

I have been to plenty of places but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've never been in Cognito either. I hear that no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. It's not hard to get there and I've made several trips. I'm planning one in the near future!

 

Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked, "There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day"

 

One person can keep a fishing line clear, but it takes two to tangle.

 

The orchestra leader quit because there was too much sax and violins.


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#59: Daylight Savings Contest.    1984: the Eldorado Daily Journal, based in Illinois, announced a contest to see who could save the most daylight for daylight savings time. The rules of the contest were simple: beginning with the first day of daylight savings time, contestants would be required to save daylight. Whoever succeeded in saving the most daylight would win. Only pure daylight would be allowed—no dawn or twilight light, though light from cloudy days would be allowed. Moonlight was strictly forbidden. Light could be stored in any container. The contest received a huge, nationwide response. The paper's editor was interviewed by correspondents from CBS and NBC and was featured in papers throughout the country.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Retirement Is the Best Medicine.

 

Goodbye Tension. Hello Pension.

 

The Money's No Better in Retirement, but the Hours Are.

 

Retired, Not Expired.  Distinguished, Not Extinguished.

 

I'm Retired. I Was Tired Yesterday, and I'm Tired Again Today.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

 

A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.

 

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.


Detectable David Dives Into Diversions………………..

 

CLASSICAL - Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

 

FOLK - Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

 

BIG BAND - 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.

 

HEAVY METAL - Codpiece and chaps

 

HOUSE MUSIC - OK as long as it's not the house next door.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

Everything weighs one  percent less at the equator

  

For every extra kilogram  carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

  

The letter  J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements. 

 

In 2011,  July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This happens  once every 823 years!  This is called 'money bags'.  So send This on To 5 and money will arrive in 5 days.  Based on Chinese  Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles  for the rest of the year.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

 

It's OK to let your children see you cry.

 

Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

 

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

 

Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where they held the first Baltimore Grand Prix.  Of course all the turns were to the left.  Our boy governor, Ollie O’Malley, was seen running around through the crowd collecting money for a bill to legitimize gay marriages while his administration can’t legitimize responsible spending.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why they call it the PRESENT.


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