September 16, 2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen


Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

It would appear that this "barbarian at the gate" according to Lunch Bucket Joe Biden, was right.  The "terrorist" scare was ginned up by Obama to give some credence to his "let’s do it again because it didn't work the first time" speech, expecting different results! The very definition of insanity!

 

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them.

 

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he’s the kind of person that sees the country as “half employed.”

 

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn’t create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he’s elected president.

 

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

Obama's Solar Power at Yosemite National Park Will Pay for Itself -- in 2088

 

The Obama administration kept tight-lipped Monday following reports that the United States had endorsed a plan for the Taliban to open a political office in Qatar by the end of the year....

 

The Obama administration is setting new workplace regulations to assist foreign workers who fill goat herding positions in the U.S. , including employee-paid cell phones and comfy beds

 

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the unemployment rate was 9.1 percent in July.  Have you noticed that they have  come back each month with a revised number.  Always higher?  They are lying to the citizens of this country to make Obama look better!

 

Solyndra received $535 million in backing from the federal government and has a cozy history with Democrats and the Obama administration campaign finance records show.  And now, just two years after securing a half-billion-dollar federal loan, Solyndra declares Chapter 11 bankruptcy.


Freddie's Facts You Can Post on Facebook..................

 

U.S. Ambassador Attacked in Syria, But Obama Says Nothing 

 

If the tea party really loved America, they wouldn’t have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football

 

New York Mayor Bloomberg Bans Religion and First Responders at 9/11 Ceremony

 

Hindu, Buddhist and Muslim religious leaders have been invited to a 9/11 tribute event being held at the National Cathedral. Oddly enough, Protestant Christians are currently not represented.

 

Obama required two heavy-duty teleprompters on Monday during a three-minute speech in which he nominated Alan Krueger to serve as chairman of his Council of Economic Advisers


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

 

You know how in "As Good As It Gets," Jack Nicholson starts off as a complete jerk, but you gradually start to love him?  I'm trying something like that.  I already have the first part down cold.

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.   I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

September is Shameless Promotion Month

 

This is National Hot Dog Week

 

September 18 is... National Play-doh Day

 

September 18 is... National Cheeseburger Day

 

September 19 is...National Butterscotch Pudding Day

 

September 20 is...National Punch Day

 

September 20 is...Hollywood Magic Day

 

September 20 is...Wife Appreciation Day

 

September 21 is...World Gratitude Day  

 

September 21 is...International Banana Festival Day

 

September 22 is...Dear Diary Day

 

September 22 is...Elephant Appreciation Day

 

September 22 is...Fish Amnesty Day

 

September 22 is...Hobbit Day

 

September 22 is...Dear Diary Day

 

September 23 is...Checkers Day

 

September 23 is...Monica Lewinski's Birthday

 

September 23 is...Marie Callender's Pot Pie Day

 

September 24 is...Festival Of Latest Novelties

 

September 24 is...National Cherries Jubilee Day

 

September 24 is...Innergize Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

THE NUT CRACKED: "Palm Bay Woman Held after Nutcracker Attack on Man" - Florida Today headline

 

Out on a Limb: "FACT CHECK: Obama's Jobs Plan Paid For? Seems Not" - Associated Press

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Obama Gets Cool Response From Republicans, Even Some Dems" - TheHill.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Can Obama's Rhetoric Lift the Economy?" - Christian Science Monitor

 

Math Is Hard: "Hillary Clinton Says Chances She Will Run Against Barack Obama 'Below Zero'" - Mediaite.com

 

News You Can Use: "Waving Robotic Crab Arm Attracts Females" - BBC website

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Al Gore in 24-Hour Broadcast to Convert Climate Skeptics" - Reuters

 

(Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)


Headlines Lily Pond would like to see……………….

 

Cracker Barrel Adds Whitened Whitefish to Menu

 

Classic Rock Stations Warned: Nobody Likes THAT Much Skynyrd

 

Opinion: If Minka Kelly Would Just Meet Me, I'm Sure She'd Understand We Were Meant to Be Together

 

Dominique Strauss-Kahn on Dropped Charges: "I *Told* You I Was Rich!"

 

Economists Admit Oft-Mentioned "Economic Spectrum" Actually Just 4-Tone Gray Scale


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

 

When the gardener accidentally sprayed his spice garden with herbicide instead of pesticide, he ended up just killing thyme.

 

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

 

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him."I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, embarrassed. Fluffy squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman, and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted pet owners and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#60: PhDs Exempt From China’s One-Child Policy.   1993: The China Youth Daily, an official state newspaper of China, announced on its front page that the government had decided to make Ph.D. holders exempt from the state-imposed one-child limit. The logic behind this decision was that it would eventually reduce the need to invite as many foreign experts into the country to help with the state's modernization effort. Despite a disclaimer beneath the story identifying it as a joke, the report was repeated as fact by Hong Kong's New Evening News and by Agence France-Presse, an international news agency. Apparently what made the hoax seem credible to many was that intellectuals in Singapore are encouraged to marry each other and have children, and China's leaders are known to have great respect for the Singapore system. The Chinese government responded to the hoax by condemning April Fool's Day as a dangerous Western tradition. The Guangming Daily, Beijing's main newspaper for intellectuals, ran an editorial stating that April Fool's jokes "are an extremely bad influence." It went on to declare that, "Put plainly, April Fool's Day is Liar's Day."


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

The Best Time to Think About Your Retirement Is Before Your Boss Does.

 

My Wife Always Beats Me Up.  I'm Retired, and I Like to Sleep Late.

 

Retirement: Half As Much Money, Twice As Much Husband.

 

I Wish That I Was Still Working–

That My Eyes Were Still Working,

My Back Was Still Working,

And My Knees Were Still Working.

 

I'm Retired, and I'm So Busy That I Can't Figure Out How I Ever Had Enough Time for Work.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

 

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

 

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

 

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.


Daffy David Does Division………………..

 

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

 

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

 

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

 

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

 

Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

A penny saved is worthless.

 

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

 

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

 

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

 

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

 

Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

 

Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

 

It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

 

When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the boy governor had to back down on his HUGE increase in tolls.  O’Malley is now proposing a 6% tax increase on gasoline.  But he is the fair haired boy of the DNC.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.


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