September 23, 2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

President Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune, has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there. 

 

NYT “Obama’s support is eroding among elements of his base, and a yearlong effort to recapture the political center has failed to attract independent voters, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll, leaving him vulnerable at a moment when pessimism over the country’s direction is greater than at any other time since he took office.”

 

Leader Of Black Caucus: If Obama Wasn't President, We Would Be ‘Marching On The White House’

 

In his speech President Obama called the plan the 'American Jobs Act.' It sounds a lot better than the original title, the 'Save My Ass Act.'

 

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as "half employed


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.

 

A poll says that 32% of Americans prefer a male boss, while 22% prefer a female boss. The other 46% say just having any kind of boss again would be nice.

 

President Obama will talk about his jobs act bill. The speech will be simulcast in Chinese and Hindi, so the people who will actually get these jobs can follow along

 

Nobel Prize-winning physicist and erstwhile Obama supporter Ivar Giaever has resigned as a Fellow from the prestigious American Physical Society to protest the organization’s promotion of manmade global warming fears.

 

Pressed by Congressional members, Gen. William Shelton said the White House tried to pressure him to change his testimony to make it more favorable to a company tied to a large Democratic donor.


Freddie's Facts You Can Post on Facebook..................

 

Facebook has appointed a new director of privacy. His name is Dave Jenkins, he lives at 17 Oakwood Lane, and his PIN number is 3153.

 

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

American incomes dropped for the third straight year, leaving the average American earning roughly what they did in 1996.

 

Astronomers have discovered a planet that has two suns. Solyndra went bankrupt on that planet too.

 

President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

The reading scores on the SATs have reached an all-time low. Or, as the headline put it, “SATs Be Most Baddest.”

 

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

 

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

"I play golf in the low 80's," said the little old man. "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive." "Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

 

A fat girl  served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, 'sorry  about the wait.'  I said, 'don't worry, you're bound to  lose it eventually.' 


10 things you won't hear at Obama's Cabinet meeting………………………

 

10. That's a great idea! But I'm afraid it might be unconstitutional.

 

  9. I don't know...even Rahm admits there's something about Glenn Beck that makes him sexy.

 

  8. That's ok, I can conduct the meeting without the teleprompters.

 

  7. Next item on the agenda to address is...Country music, not patriotic enough?

 

  6. Oh look, news reporters....yay....


10 things you might NOT hear at Obama's Cabinet meeting………………………

 

10. Since they have the agenda we can't start until the teleprompters get here.

 

  9. Sorry Joe, a big air conditioner won’t stop global warming...

 

  8. Thank you Ms. Sherrod for joining us on "bring your gaffe to work day."

 

7. Let’s make this quick, the czars are throwing me a pizza party in 10 minutes.

 

6. Um, Mr. President, you called Hillary "senator" again


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

September is National Potato Month

 

This is Tolkien Week

 

Today is MONICA LEWINSKI’S BIRTHDAY!  Aren’t you proud to have elected Bill!

 

September 25 is...National Comic Book Day

 

September 25 is...National One-Hit Wonder Day

 

September 26 is...National Good Neighbor Day

 

September 26 is...Johnny Appleseed Day

 

September 26 is...National Pancake Day 

 

September 27 is...Crush A Can Day

 

September 27 is...International Rabbit Day

 

September 26 is...National Good Neighbor Day

 

September 28 is…Ask A Stupid Question Day  

 

September 29 is...Poisoned Blackberries Day

 

September 29 is...Confucius Day

 

September 30 is...National Mud Pack Day

 

September 30 is...International Chocolate Day.


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Obama Hopes His 'Next Inauguration Is Warmer' Than First" - USA Today website

 

We Blame George W. Bush: "Why'd It Take So Long to Invent the Wheel?" - NPR.org

 

Then Obama Is a Great President: "What if the Secret to Success Is Failure?" - The New York Times

 

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control: "Ron Paul Was Right" - Cal Thomas syndicated column

 

No Doubt Funded by the National Endowment for the Arts: "Geithner, Krugman Paint Grim Pictures of Economy -- VIDEO" - NationalJournal.com

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Obama Still Popular Abroad" - Politico.com


Headlines Donny Brook would like to see……………….

 

Facebook Users Super Happy About New Features, Says Facebook PR Firm

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 

March Planned For Next August

 

America Becomes Slightly Dumber as White House Dinner Crasher Wife Runs Off With Journey Lead Guitarist

 

DNC Researcher Fired for Alleged Discovery of Problem Not Caused by Bush and/or Reagan

 

Business Lobbyist: Onerous Murder Laws Preventing Creation of New Job Openings

 

Hollywood Producers: If Scarlett Johansson Wanted to See Herself Naked on Film, All She Had to Do Was Ask Us


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

There was a swarm of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd. One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he was coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up. When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you CRAZY?" He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say, don't you? There's a crazy Esso Bee in every crowd!"


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#61: La Fornication Comme Une Acte Culturelle.   In 1972 listeners to England's Radio 3 program In Parenthesis were treated to a roundtable discussion of a few cutting-edge new works of social anthropology and musicology. First up was a discussion of La Fornication Comme Une Acte Culturelle by Henri Mensonge (translated as Henry Lie). This book argued that "we live in an age of metaphorical rape" in which "confrontation, assault, intrusion, and exposure are becoming validated transactions, the rites of democracy, of mass society." This sparked a blisteringly incomprehensible debate, which eventually segued into an exploration of the question "Is 'Is' Is?" Finally, the audience heard a rousing deconstruction of the 'arch form' of the sonata's first motif. Listeners seemed to accept the program's discussion as a legitimate exploration of new trends in the arts. Thankfully, it was a parody.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

You have two choices in life:  You can stay single and be miserable,  or get married and wish you were dead.

 

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,  "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"  "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

 

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:   "Husband Wanted".    Next day she received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing:  "You can have mine."

 

When a woman steals your husband,  there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

 

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

 

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.

 

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


Dutiful David Goes On Vacation………………..

 

Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest.

 

Please excuse Arlita from being absent on Friday because she broke her figure.

 

Please accuse Michael for being absent yesterday.

 

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

 

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

 

There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

 

Nobody is normal.

 

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that :

    * The universe is even bigger than they thought!

    * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!

    * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

 

Over prepare, then go with the flow.

 

Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.  (At least in Baltimore!)

 

The most important sex organ is the brain.

 

No one is in charge of your happiness but you.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.   The boy Governor pulled off another trick on the inhabitants – he raised the tolls from $2.50 to $8.00 on the bridges and then dropped to approximately half and the populace heaved a great sigh of relief!  Are we stupid or what?  And in keeping with the other great traditions of the Democratic party, the Absurdia SunPaper Sunday edition raised their cost to $3.00 for outlying areas thereby continuing to subsidize the “locals” for $1.00.  Another example of Democratic tradition – The Dow-Jones is hitting another new low today and unemployment is hitting another new high!!


But, on the other hand……………..

 

"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury."


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