September, 30, 2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.  Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen


Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Yesterday President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N.  In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to Biden at the kids table.

 

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

 

The International Labor Organization says the global economy is facing a major jobs shortfall. Don’t blame us, we’ve been sending you our jobs for the last 20 years.

 

Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'"

 

MSNBC hit a new low last week when it debuted a talk show featuring Al Sharpton as host. Subsequently, the network changed its advertising slogan to, “We’ve fallen and we can’t get up.”


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............


BrightSource Chairman John Bryson was nominated by Obama to head the Commerce Department.  BrightSource is a solar energy company that received a $1.37 billion federal loan guarantee.  Can anyone say "Solyndra?"

 

At a campaign stop in Florida today, Gov. Perry addressed the prospect of an electrified fence being erected on the United States' northern border. "My position on electrocution is a matter of public record," he said. "I'm for it."

 

Trying to get today's Democrat to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum

 

"We're home alone. There's no adult in charge." --Larry Summers, former director of Obama's White House National Economic Council

 

Warren Buffett is a liar! This year, households making more than $1 million will pay an average of 29.1 percent of their income in federal taxes; households making between $20,000 and $30,000 will pay just 5.7 percent...


Freddie's Facts You Can Post on Facebook..................

 

My next-door neighbor’s two dogs have created more shovel-ready jobs than this current administration

 

Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, “Sorry you lost your job.” The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman.

 

The International Labor Organization says the global economy is facing a major jobs shortfall. Don’t blame us, we’ve been sending you our jobs for the last 20 years.

 

It’s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, “the end of global warming.”

 

President Obama will reveal a new budget plan today that relies on taxing the rich more. But it's not clear how the plan will work after all the millionaires move to the Cayman Islands.


10 things you might hear at Obama's Cabinet meeting……………………………

 

5. Can't we just use the stimulus money to buy an approval rating?

4. And then I told Hillary, "yeah it was in the Oval Office, but at least *we're* married."

3. 2-4-6-8 America, depreciate!

2. Can I be vice president today daddy?

1. All right guys, who hacked my cellphone to make my text messages say "LoL?"


10 things you won't hear at Obama's Cabinet meeting……………………………

 

5. Look at all these crises! (Sigh) vacation canceled...

 

4. Golf can wait, so tell me more about this...what do you call it? Oh yes yes, the "budget deficit."

3. 2-4-6-8 We will never race bait!

2. Sorry I'm late, I was reading the Arizona Immigration law.

1. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.....


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

 

Ad in the Rock Hill S. C. Herald: A-1 Adams Bail Agency. When you have more fun than the law allows

 

You know it's going to be a bad day when; You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

 

My uncle's a rheumatoid alcoholic. Every night he gets stiff in a different joint

 

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

 

He was a dude before marriage, now he is subdued.

 

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

October is National Go Hog Wild - Eat Country Ham Month

 

This is Canadian Customer Service Week

 

October 1 is . . . . . World Vegetarian Day

 

October 1 is . . . . . Magic Circles Day

 

October 2 is . . . . . Name Your Car Day

 

October 3 is . . . . . Virus Appreciation Day  

 

October 3 is . . . . . Dalton Defenders Days

 

October 3 is . . . . . Lee's National Denim Day

 

October 3 is . . . . . World Smile Day

 

October 4 is . . . . . International Frugal Fun Day

 

October 4 is . . . . . Toot Your Flute Day

 

October 4 is . . . . . Pumpkin Day

 

October 4 is . . . . . Ten-Four Day

 

October 4 is . . . . . National Golf Day

 

October 5 is . . . . . National Storytelling Festival

 

October 5 is . . . . . Intergeneration Day

 

October 5 is . . . . . Spinach Lovers Da

 

October 6 is . . . . . Come and Take It Day   (National IRS Day)

 

October 6 is . . . . . World Habitat Day

 

October 6 is . . . . . Women's New Day

 

October 7 is . . . . . National Frappe Day

 

October 8 is . . . . . American Tag Day

 

October 8 is . . . . . National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work & School Day

 

October 8 is . . . . . Worldwide: Top Spinning At Noon Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

HE PINCHED, THEN LUCKILY GOT PINCHED BEFORE HE WAS PINCHED: "Shopper Arrested with Live Lobsters in Shorts" -  AP headline

 

We Reject This False Choice: "Obama: Clark Kent or Superman?" - CNN.com

 

So When Is He Going to Get Some?: "Obama Says 'Better Ideas' Will Win Him Re-Election" - VosIzNeias.com

 

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control: "'Just Go Be Joe': Obama Lets Biden Loose on the Campaign Trail" - TheHill.com

 

Answer to Question Nobody Is Asking: "Morgan Freeman: Yes, the Tea Party Is Racist" - video title, RealClearPolitics.com

 

Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss, Literally: "Putin Once More Moves to Assume Top Job in Russia" - The New York Times

 

First, Get a Million Dollars: "What It Takes to Become a Millionaire" - CNBC.com

 

So Much for the War on Drugs: "Stoned Police Chief Draws Gun" - Times of Swaziland

 

Headline: "Death Doesn't Deter Students From Drinking"- (The Roanoke (Virginia) Times)

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Journalists Ignore Obama Scandals" - RushLimbaugh.com

 

(Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)


Headlines Wanna Hickey would like to see……………….

 

US State Department Warns: When Hiking in a Crazy, Batshit Country, Avoid the Border Area of the Adjacent Crazy, Batshit Country

 

R.E.M. Breaks Up, Splits Custody of Dan Rather

 

Salahi: My Groupie Slut Wife Is Behaving Like a Groupie Slut

 

LINGERIE SHIPMENT HIJACKED--THIEF GIVES POLICE THE SLIP

 

U.S. Military Repeals Ban on Stealth Gaydar Technology


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

A young fashion designer was attending her first runway presentation in which her dresses were featured. The reviews from the industry were fantastic. Overnight, her line became a best seller. Stores couldn't keep the items on the shelves. Celebrities started wearing them. She became so successful that a competitor was inspired to produce cheap copies of her designs to make a quick buck. Furious about this, the designer called her lawyer and explained what was happening. The lawyer was equally furious, but he knew he could handle the situation. "Don't worry," he assured the designer. "I'll take care of him." "What will you do?" she asked him. Replied the lawyer, "I'll block his knock-off!"

 

Best Sellers: "I Lived in Detroit" by Helen Irth


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#62: Freewheelz.   The April 2000 issue of Esquire magazine introduced its readers to an exciting new company called Freewheelz. This company had a novel business plan. It intended to provide drivers with free cars. In exchange, the lucky drivers had to agree both to the placement of large advertisements on the outside of their vehicle and to the streaming of advertisements on the radio inside their car. Strict criteria limited the number of people eligible to receive a free car. Not only did you have to guarantee that you would drive over 300 miles a week, you also had to complete a 600-question survey that probed into personal information such as your political affiliations and whether you were concerned about hair loss. Finally you had to submit your family's tax returns, notarized video-store-rental receipts, and a stool sample. The entire article, written by Ted Fishman, was a satire of the much-touted "new economy" spawned by the internet. Attentive readers would have caught on to the joke if they had noticed that Freewheelz's official rollout on the web was slated to occur on April 1. But readers who didn't notice this tip-off flooded the offices of Esquire with calls, demanding to know how they could sign up to drive a free minivan. The satire also went over the head of the CEO's of a number of real internet start-ups with business plans similar to that of the fictitious Freewheelz, companies such as Mobile Billboard Network, Freecar.com, and Autowraps.com. Larry Butler, the CEO of freecar.com, later confessed to Fishman that he was so scared at the prospect of this new competition that he cried when he first read the article.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

A young son asked,   "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa  a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"   Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

 

Then there was a woman who said,   "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,  and by then, it was too late."

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over  intelligence.

 

If you want your spouse to listen and  pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.  

 

just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

 

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...  couldn't cut the mustard.

 

My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

 

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.


Derivative David Goes To School………………..

 

Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

 

Please excuse my son’s tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him until I started making the beds.

 

Please forgive Clarence for being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had trouble and had to be serpent sized.

 

Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat. Her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school. Her father even got hot last night.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

 

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

 

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

 

You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

 

Always choose life.

 

Forgive everyone everything.

 

What other people think of you is none of your business.

 

Time heals almost everything. Give time time.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  The City of Absurdia’s gift to the nation has struck again.  It’s as if Solyndra never happened. The Obama Administration is giving $737 million to a Tonopah Solar, a subsidiary of California-based SolarReserve. PCG is an investment partner with SolarReserve. Nancy Pelosi’s brother-in-law happens to be the number two man at PCG.

 

Cel-e-brate good times Howard County! Save the date and your wallets for this festive deal full of local pride: Spend $81.00 for a ticket to Celebrate IT -- a birthday bash commemorating 30 years of excellence for Howard County Tourism and Promotion.  Oh yes!  Self promotion is sooo costly!


But, on the other hand……………..

 

Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge....


Return to the Friday's Musings main page

 

Return to the A-1 Associates main page