October 14, 2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen


Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Rick Perry’s advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate.

 

Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate.

 

The Congressional Budget Office is projecting that U.S. government public debt will hit 716 percent of GDP by the year 2080.

 

A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That's right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, “a presidential candidate

 

Big changes in the Republican field. It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney.


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

A government audit revealed that last year the Justice Department spent $4 million for sweets and pastries served at conferences they hosted. Wow. Those have to be the most costly government tarts since Gary Hart's and Bill Clinton's.

 

President Obama is more popular overseas than here. Then again, he’s created more jobs over there than here.

 

Define Multiculturism.  State-sanctioned grievance industry that stokes division and resentment, while always under the delusion that it is doing something positive called "celebrating diversity."

 

Dick Cheney's pulls no punches. He thought Condi Rice was naïve and Colin Powell deceptive. In the last chapter of his book he confirms a long-held suspicion that he's Luke Skywalker's real father.

 

Obama's speech isn't the American Job's Act, this is the Save Obama's Job Act.


Freddie's Facts You Can Post on Facebook..................

 

"There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up."

 

America is a land which fought for freedom and then began passing laws to get rid of it.

 

The sister-in-law of John Podesta, President Obama's influential White House transition director, served as the lobbyist for a wind power firm that was just awarded a $135.8 million loan guarantee from the Department of Energy.

 

This week the fat man bowed out of the Presidential race, and the fat lady sang at Yankee Stadium.

 

Obama's illegal Aunt Zeituni Onyango Granted Asylum.  Obama's Illegal Uncle Omar Tries To Call White House. The whole family is illegal!


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.

 

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick and tired of him.

 

Facebook has appointed a new director of privacy. His name is Dave Jenkins, he lives at 17 Oakwood Lane, and his PIN number is 3153.

 

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born

 

The noblest of all dogs is the hot-dog; it feeds the hand that bites it


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

October is National Apple Jack Month

 

This is National Pet Peeve Week

 

October 16 is . . . . Dictionary Day

 

October 16 is . . . . National Be your Boss Day

 

October 16 is . . . . National Cut Up Your Credit Card Day

 

October 17 is . . . . Black Poetry Day

 

October 17 is . . . . Gaudy Day

 

October 18 is . . . . No Beard Day

 

October 18 is . . . . Sweetest Day

 

October 18 is . . . . Evaluate Your Life Day

 

October 19 is . . . . National Nude Vacuum Day

 

October 21 is . . . . Babbling Day

 

October 22 is . . . . National Nut Day

 

October 20 is . . . . National Brandied Fruit Day

 

October 20 is . . . . Miss American Rose Day

 

October 22 is . . . . National Color Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS: "Police Probe Death of Arkansas Man Found in Bathtub With Local TV Weatherman" -  Fox News headline

 

Answers to Question Nobody Is Asking: "William Shatner: Obama Can't Be Captain Kirk" - Politico.com

 

Don't Ask, Don't Tell: "Washington Struggles to Keep Occupiers Straight" - RollCall.com

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Canadians Cool to Embracing Multicultural Values: Study" - Vancouver Sun

 

News of the Tautological: "The Occupy Wall Street protest has drawn an unwelcome crowd of freeloaders." - New York Post

 

Breaking News From 2009: "Peace Prize Winner's Troubling Affiliation" - Commentary website

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Obama Calls for Passage of Jobs Bill" - Associated Press

 

(Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)


Headlines Tom Katt would like to see……………….

 

Apple Announces New Products Will Now Suck a Bit

 

Thousands Pay Tribute by Leaving Disappointing New iPhones Outside of Apple Stores

 

NFL Quarterback's Pink Towel Cures Breast Cancer


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

The difference between a church bell and a politician is the church bell peals from the steeple.

 

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?

 

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home .."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#64: Total Home Remote Electricity.    In 1999 executives at 130 major companies received a professionally designed package of information about an exciting new product: Total Home Remote Electricity. Forget wireless computers. This technology, created by Ottmar Industries of Switzerland, allowed electricity itself to be beamed wirelessly anywhere within a house. Simply plug one of the small "projectors" into a wall outlet, and a safe electrical "aura" would envelop the home. Then attach a converter to any appliance, and the appliance would be able to receive power at any location within the aura, even outside on the roof. "Did you ever imagine making toast on your roof?" the promotional material asked. Accompanying the ads was a letter that included a phone number the executives could call for more information. Reportedly, about 30 people called the number, including three high-level executives. But the number really connected them to the advertising agency, Hoffman york, that had sent out the fake ad as an April Fool's Day publicity stunts.


Jessica's Day at School

 

The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

 

This child has been working with glue too much.

 

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

 

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

 

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Dead batteries were given out free of charge.

 

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

 

A will is a dead giveaway.

 

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Don't throw a brick straight up.

 

Don't take naps in the road.

 

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

 

Don't microwave yourself.

 

Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.


Dirty David’s Goes On Vacation………………..

 

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

 

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

 

There are 10 types of people in the world.  Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

    * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

    * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

    * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.

    * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

 

Your children get only one childhood.

 

All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

 

Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

 

If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  It’s A Jungle Out There - Bleach Fight Shuts Baltimore Wal-Mart.   Our Boy Governor, O’Mealy Mouth, is pushing, again, for a 5 cent per gallon gasoline tax for “the transportation fund” to replenish the funds he misspent on everything else.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

The best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other.


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