October 21, 2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen


Here is the National Debt Clock……………….

http://www.usdebtclock.org/


Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, “No Child Left With a Big Behind.”

 

Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years.

 

Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding.

 

20 years ago, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope were all alive. Today, we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope.

 

The stock market skyrocketed on Columbus Day. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

President Obama's jobs council is headed by GE CEO Jeff Immelt, which makes sense, because when Americans see an unmitigated failure like him keeping his job, we all feel confident about ourselves again!

 

A government audit revealed that last year the Justice Department spent $4 million for sweets and pastries served at conferences they hosted. Wow. Those have to be the most costly government tarts since Gary Hart's and Bill Clinton's.

 

President Obama says he is "a little heartbroken" about the NBA lockout. It just means more good paying jobs headed overseas.

 

The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that's in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.

 

Big Ben is leaning to one side, but they think that it might be able to somehow correct itself. And I thought well, yeah, look at Mitt Romney. He used to lean to the left, now he leans to the right.


Freddie's Facts You Can Post on Facebook..................

 

According to WMAL.com, "The FBI has awarded a $524,927 contract to a Virginia company to record as much radio news and talk programming as it can find on the Internet. ...

 

The world's first computer virus came from Pakistan. It was called "Brain."  This is TRUE!

 

The Justice Department reported Monday it will begin raiding California's medical marijuana stores. Whose side are they on? First they supply the Mexican drug cartel with automatic weapons and now they're closing down the American stores that compete with them.

 

The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard.

 

The psychological and physical aspects of addiction are amazing. I gave up sniffing airplane dope and became completely unglued.

 

California’s 12 percent unemployment rate in August, the nation’s second-highest after Nevada, compared with 9.1 percent nationwide. “Women represent nearly half of the workforce and they gained just one of the 10 jobs added”


Occupy Wall Street.......................

 

Union members joined the young demonstrators in the "Occupy Wall Street" protest yesterday. Now the kids are hoping the union guys will teach them how to not work and still get paid for it!

 

The Wall Street protesters say they 'want a voice'. The people who live near the protests wish they wanted a bath.

 

If the Flea Party were really concerned about the greedy "Wall Street 1 Percent," shifting money around to make themselves richer and everyone else poorer, their No. 1 target should be George Soros.

 

New York's Occupy Wall Street protesters argued among themselves Tuesday about whether they should sew their own sleeping bags with winter coming or engage in capitalism and buy them. Also, they argued over whether to beg for food or buy donuts. It took two hours in the real world to convert the entire movement to supply-side economics.

 

Just as Susan Sarandon joined the anti-corporate protesters in Lower Manhattan, a huge billboard of her endorsing a Japanese clothing chain that uses sweat shop Chinese labor has gone up in Midtown. Perhaps Sarandon was protesting the fact that there just aren't enough jobs for eight-year-old Chinese kids.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

The man who invented Doritos passed away at the age of 97. Let that be a lesson, kids. Junk food will kill you.

 

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?"

 

You can't discuss "families" without "lies"

 

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I figure that's why my girlfriend moved.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

October is National Sarcastic’s Month

 

This is National Pet Peeve Week

 

October 23 is . . . . TV Talk Show Host Day

 

October 23 is . . . . National Mole Day

 

October 24 is . . . . National Bologna Day

 

October 25 is . . . . Punk For A Day, Day  

 

October 25 is . . . . Make A Difference Day

 

October 25 is . . . . Sourest Day

 

October 26 is . . . . Mule Day

 

October 26 is . . . . Horseless Carriage Day

 

October 27 is . . . . Cranky Co-workers Day

 

October 27 is . . . . Sylvia Plath Day

 

October 28 is . . . . Plush Animal Lover's Day

 

October 28 is . . . . National Chocolate Day

 

October 29 is . . . . Hermit Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

"Man Taken to Detox after Thinking Police Station Was Casino"  -  Lincoln (Neb.) Journal-Star headline

 

Headline: "Conceiving a Way to Get More Babies" - (The Sydney Morning Herald)

 

Two Presidents in One!: "Obama Won't Negotiate With Republicans on Jobs" - USA Today website

++ "Obama Says He Is Prepared to Work With Republicans on Jobs" - Bloomberg

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Would You Get a Tattoo for a Discounted Sandwich?" --Globe and Mail website (Toronto)

 

He's Lost Middle America: "Obama Loses Hulk Hogan's Support" - Politico.com

 

Too Bad Ted Kennedy Drove an Oldsmobile: "Chinese Keep Saab Afloat" - Deutsche-Welle website

 

We Blame George W. Bush: "Anita Perry Blames Obama for Son Quitting His Job" - Yahoo! News

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Al Gore Backs Occupy Wall Street Protests" - TheHill.com

(Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)


Headlines Sharon A. Burger would like to see……………….

 

Hank Williams Jr. Writes New Song: "All My Not-Really- Understanding-That-Whole-Right-to-Free-Speech-Concept Friends Are Coming Over Tonight"

 

Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

 

NJ Governor Christie Endorses Romney, Twinkies, Big Macs, Doritos

 

Wall Street Responds to Protests: "We lobbied hard for every tax break we earned!"

 

Rosie O'Donnell Says GayDar Was "Way Off" When She Hit on Rush Limbaugh


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one of the many archeological digs in that country. In a cave outside of Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not believe they were that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof. For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter?

 

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer.  But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.  Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery.  Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening.  By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#65: Y2K Solved.   In 1999 the Singapore Straits Times reported that a 17-year-old high school student had one-upped all the major software corporations of the world by creating a small computer program that would easily solve the Y2K bug. The camera-shy C student had supposedly devised the program in twenty-nine minutes while solving an algebra problem for his homework. His family and a technology consulting group were reportedly forming a joint venture named 'Polo Flair' in order to commercialize the discovery. They anticipated achieving revenues of $50 million by the end of the year. Numerous journalists and computer specialists contacted the Straits Times, seeking more information about the boy genius and his Y2K cure. One journalist even wanted to know if the boy would be willing to appear on TV, despite the fact that he was camera shy. Unfortunately the boy and his ingenious program didn't exist. Quick-witted readers would have noticed that 'Polo Flair' was an anagram for 'April Fool.'


Jessica's Day at School…………………………………….

 

It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

 

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

"The answer to this question will determine whether you studied or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

 

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

  

Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

  

Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

 

Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

  

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk


Dirty David’s Goes On Vacation………………..

 

Seen on the same bumper:

        Vote Democrat: it's easier than working!   

        Vote Republican: it's easier than thinking!

 

I think, therefore I'm dangerous.

 

I bet Jesus would have used his turn signal.

 

Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.

 

Actions speak louder than bumper-stickers.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

A penny saved is worthless.

 

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

 

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

 

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

 

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

 

The best is yet to come.

 

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

 

Yield.

 

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Our WONDERFUL, BOY GOVERNOR Martin O’Mealymouth is now asking for 15 cents per gallon tax from us to replenish the highway funds he spent encouraging the illegal aliens and their healthcare and education.  Message from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."


But, on the other hand……………..

 

"Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back to you."


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