September 2, 2011

 

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen


Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Lunch Bucket Joe Biden?   He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.

 

Remember when Warren Buffet threw capitalism under the bus and the Libs went wild with exhilaration.  Turns out he climbed into Obama's bed to keep from being prosecuted for tax evasion for every year since 2002.  Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it............

 

"Meanwhile, an aimless depression from the tropics stalled in Washington, D.C. But enough about Barack Obama, let's talk about Hurricane Irene."

 

Breaking News: GOP Candidates For President Unanimously Say They Do Not Believe In Earthquakes

 

Hurricane Irene wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded.  Maybe Irene owed money to China too.


2012 Election is going to be an intelligence test...............

 

Mitt Romney apologized for once believing in earthquakes when he was governor of Massachusetts.

 

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner insists the U.S. will run out of money on November 2nd. That's even if Geithner decides to pay his taxes this year.

 

The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it -- just like he did with being president.

 

When Timothy Geitner was found guilty of tax evasion he had to take time to collect himself.

 

Washington is forcing residents across the country to install mercury lighting inside their homes while phasing out mercury lighting outside homes to protect the environment


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment…………………….

 

The one thing I've learned from all my years of cooking is that it's always quietest just before the fire alarm.

 

Just remember. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall  off.

 

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!   At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


Soulful Sarah's Selections.................

 

September is National Potato Month

 

This is Biscuits and Gravy Week

 

September 4 is...Do It! Day (aka Fight Procrastination)

 

September 5 is...Be Late For Something Day  

 

September 5 is...Cheese Pizza Day

 

September 5 is...Newspaper Carrier Day

 

September 6 is...Fight Procrastination Day  

 

September 6 is...Read a Book Day

 

September 7 is...Neither Snow Nor Rain Day

 

September 8 is...National Nut Bread Day

 

September 8 is...Pardon Day

 

September 8 is...National Boss/Employee Exchange Day

 

September 9 is...Teddy Bear Day

 

September 10 is...Wonderful Weirdoes Day

 

September 10 is...Swap Ideas Day

 

September 10 is...Sew Be It! Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

FLUSHED WITH REMORSE: "Finland: Ferry Runs Aground after Captain Stuck in Toilet" -  Reuters headline

 

Out on a Limb: "Zogby: Voters Might Be Tuning Obama Out" - U.S. News & World Report website

 

So Much for the War on Drugs: "4-Foot Crack Found in Washington Monument" - WRC-TV website (Washington)

 

True, but That's a Low Standard: "'The Free Enterprise System Has Lifted More People Out of Poverty Than All Government Programs Combined'" - National Review Online

 

He's Always Reading Fiction off the Teleprompter: "Obama Summer Reading List Leans Toward Fiction" - Reuters

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Can Another Speech Really Help Obama?" - New York Times website

 

Breaking News From 2012: "S&P Replaces President After U.S. Downgrade" - Reuters


Headlines Paige Turner would like to see……………….

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.   Boy, are they tall! 

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead      Did I read that right? 

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors    Boy, are they tall! 

 

And the winner is....   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  

   

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids


Particular Paul’s Pernicious Puns………………………

 

The difference between mass and weight is mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on a Catholic.

 

A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. “That looks nasty,” says the doctor. “Nasty?!?” replies the man, “this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

 

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."


Hungry Harry’s Hundred Best Hoaxes……………………………

 

#58: Portable Zip Codes.   2004: National Public Radio's All Things Considered announced that the post office had begun a new 'portable zip codes' program. This program, inspired by an FCC ruling that allowed phone users to take their phone number with them when they moved, would allow people to also take their zip code with them when they moved, no matter where they moved to. It was hoped that with this new program zip codes would come to symbolize "a citizen's place in the demographic, rather than geographic, landscape." Assistant Postmaster General Lester Crandall was quoted as saying, "Every year millions of Americans are on the go: People who must relocate for work or other reasons. Those people may have been quite attached to their original homes or an adopted town or city of residence. For them this innovative measure will serve as an umbilical cord to the place they love best."


Simply Suzie’s Soulful Simperings………………..

 

Vermont:  Yep

 

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

 

Washington:  Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

 

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be  Mayor?

 

West Virginia: One Big Happy  Family... Really!

 

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese


BillGoat’s Blatherings………………

 

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

 

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

 

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

 

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.


Determined David Writes a book………………..

 

5. Drink And Grow Rich

 

4. Stop Molesting Your Inner Child!

 

3. The Couch Potato's Guide to Becoming a TV-Watchin' Tub o' Lard

 

2. Tequila Shots for the Soul

  

1. Men Are From Mars!  We're #1!  Go Mars!  We're Gonna Kick Your Ass, Venus!


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………….

 

The moon moves about two  inches away from the Earth each year

  

The Earth gets 100 tons  heavier every day due to falling space dust

  

Due to earth's gravity  it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters

  

Mickey Mouse is known as  "Topolino" in Italy

  

Soldiers do not march in  step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration  which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………..

 

You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

 

Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

 

It's OK to get angry

 

Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

 

When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where they just might be doing something right for a change.  With the increased police presence in the area, there will only be a few stabbings and shootings in the crowd watching the Baltimore Grand Prix.  There will also be a large sale of stolen racing tires, parts, etc on Tuesday.  Our governor has installed speed cameras to keep the speeds of the race to posted limits and our state legislators are trying to find a way to tax the race.


But, on the other hand……………..

 

We take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for.


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